Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Un-Suicide Note: The Confessions of a Drama-Mama

As I may always have my usual rants and out-burst of frustrations every-now-and-then. I haven't really vent on the real score with my mind conflicts and my usual dramas. I'm such a biploar and I'm not-so-proud to be. But hello... it's so friggin obvious. I write when I'm extremely happy, extremely baffled, extreme angry and extremely sad. I have all the extremes that makes up my personal-protection... my spikes.

Anws, I just want to write my heart, this time.

Being a single-mom was by far most the turning point in my life. I wouldn't be who I am right now if it weren't for the life changing lessons I learned during the steep road to motherhood.The life I am living for the past years, it's no longer mine.

This is such and understatement.

It has been five years since I portrayed this role of being a single parent, a young mom vis-a-vis continuing student and doing side jobs here and there. It wasn't very long ago, I could still remember my struggles going to school with my 1-year-old son. I was carrying him in a baby carrier, I bring him along during my 7am class up until my 5pm class in school, and I was breastfeeding inside the classroom. This must be so surreal but everything is true.

I remember waking up so early in the morning and my heart bleeds with the torturing thought that my 1-year-old son is forced to waking up so early. No child deserves to wake up so early and experience the rough world of college life. I am such a bad mother. But I cannot do anything about it. That's a sucky feeling, I cannot do anything more about it.

For the longest time, and up until now, I feel like I don't belong anywhere, I feel I am socially banished and I cannot easily make friends. I have too much things to think about that I cannot sit and stay for a while for small talks, my head is constantly worrying about things like "How many diapers are there left for this week", "What school project can I start on so I won't worry about it anymore", "Will it rain tomorrow, because I need to do our laundries.", "Where will I get money for my son's vaccine shots and groceries?". I was always on my toes...

At this point, there was no room for reflections and loneliness. I was extremely busy to even stop and think about anything. I was always on the go.

Looking back now, I can't believe survived five years living like this. I have pasted in my forehead that "I am no longer allowed to have fun." So I didn't. I treated everything as business and everything has empirical equivalence. It was actually all mechanical, honestly, it's a stone-cold and fool-proof shield. I did good empirically, grades-wise, money-wise, career-wise...

I remember an old acquaintance used to be so-attached to me waiting for me and merely wanting to have lunch with me at school, I could not even honor. I jaded myself into believing that I cannot and would not handle any friendships nor any emotional investing situation. Since my concept of college friends shattered when I got pregnant.

Not only friends... I was literally taken a far back-seat when I chose this path. I lost my school, I lost my friends, I lost my lavish lifestyle, I lost my family, I lost my home, I lost myself. I surrendered, humbled myself and decided to be a mother. And it was such a painful thing to bare, especially being pregnant already then the father-of-my-son won't even talk to me and even loathe my existence.

"I gave up literally EVERYTHING for this family. I don't deserve to be just a doormat"

When he started physically hurting me, I know it won't work out anymore. So I entered myself into a disgruntling charitable institution. I entered a home for unwed mothers.

Up until now, even if I have literally, self-taught myself to be a mother, from giving birth, bathing an infant, doing house chores I didn't have to in my past lifestyle, I must be honest to say that I find it so hard to forgive myself for letting me be in that place.

"Taga-UP ako, edukada and hindi baldado. Bakit ako nandito?"

It was by far most the most humbling and self-humiliating part of my life. I locked up myself in a place where rape-victims, immoral pregnancies of elicit affairs were in-hiding, spoiled teenage who got pregnant at a tender of 15 were being punished... I should not be here!

Naalala ko yung isang girl dun sa home, bilang siya ay kanto-girl na katulong at saksakan ng pagiging palaaway, naalala ko sinabi tungkol sa akin: "Taga-UP ba yan? Eh bakit nandito yan?"

I still could not forgive myself for being trampled upon the lowest of all the lowest people. I am not judgmental but these people gave me a reason to think that they cannot earn the respect I easily give-off to people in general.

But nonetheless, I raised up to the occasion, I gave birth, went through it all. I survived. After all the bullshit I went-through... I am a better mother and mind you, not all mothers cannot do what I did. That is a proud badge I will wear upto my grave.

As these were all part of my painful past that I find so hard to forgive, I now look back now, I cannot believe what I have been through. Buti hindi ako nabaliw. I was placed in so much rejection and un-acceptance but I still kept on going.

It's one thing to just keep on doing it, because it's easy to do, but HELL, it's a whole new league to JUST KEEP ON DOING IT EVEN IF THE WHOLE WORLD IS NOT ON YOUR SIDE.

I'm doing this because I believe if there is one thing I could do good I am the BEST MOTHER my son could have. You don't get to choose your parents, I have that in mind, so might as well be the best damn-parent to my son. I could have easily took easy way out. But this is a choice that has defined my lifetime. I chose to be your mother, Atreyu... I would do it again in a heartbeat even if it kills me.

Now that I am a far different-girl from that five-year-boot camp process, I started to regain my heart again. I literally, killed some part of myself with the process, and I am just starting to regain myself inside.

I gave up so much, just to be a mother. This is time, now that I am, I want to regain whom I was before this.

A dear friend told me recently, "May be you lost yourself along the way." That is an understatement. I just want to live my life not out of NEED but by WANT. I missed out so much, I gave up my youth along the way.

I am not regretting being a mother. There may be side bumps here and there, but I am trying to forgive myself.

I miss my old self but I know I am still that person.

Despite me, being the real-WONDERWOMAN... I have lost faith on who I am. May be because I was stripped-off everything for a time I don't know.

These are all mere babbling, I don't see my end conclusion. All I just want to write is how my heart bleeds for the pain and the unpain I killed how brave and generous of me to bare all the sacrifices I made. I am still alive, there's no reason to kill some parts of me. Of all people, I deserve to be happy because early on in life I have given away so much and felt pain so much... This time, I am ready to fill my heart with love and happiness again and regain who I am and embrace who I will be.

But above all things. I fucking ROCK as a mother, I AM THE BEST.