You Got It All ( by The Jets) is one of my ultimate love songs. I always believed that love breaks walls and barriers of cynicism and mistrust, heals (if not all) most wounds and lifts the baggage of the past and even the present. As I am a person with intertwining webs of knots of baggage and haunting past... I think I have stone-casted myself with this unreal and non-existent idea of the right one for me. He shall be my ultimate hero who will take away all the pain and break me from my spiky prickly thorns of my armored hedgehog spirit. I am tough. I had no choice but to be. But deep inside, I still yearn to be that "Damsel in Distress Princess" who will be rescued by her "Prince Charming".
Please save me.
As time pass by, I gotten use to being single and independent, I grew resentment over that "Damned-Prince-Charming" na yan. If he truly does exist, why did he let got through all the hardships alone... Why he didn't save me... Why does it seem everybody else's "Prince Charming" came but not mine.
In the process of coping up and lifting my un-kindred spirit, I killed my own (Buddha) - my "Prince Charming". I faced the reality that I had no need to depend on him, or even mistakenly objectify him. If I want to be saved, I shall be a "HERO" myself alone. So I killed my "Prince Charming".
As I obsessed over lambasting Wonderwoman, I fixated on the idea of being the"HERO"... I developed the utter need to save. A sick sense of altruism. Perhaps vindicating the idea "If no one will save me, may be I'm the saviour." It is such a romantic idea of holding on to people in the lowest points of their lives. I am the "HERO" with heavy baggage, but still didn't care.Everything seems a challenge. I am the right path, I shall save them. Evidently, I sickly fed on to the fixation.
Then came the "Jerks", who badly needs, or even beyond, repair. One came another, and another, and another. They were in various forms... The verbally abusive pothead; The emotional trasher who needs a trashcan ,and The sexually confused boy are few of the most interesting characters I have come across to.As I crave the need to give out love, attention and affection, sadly everyJerk disregarded me and became their prey. Instead of becoming a "HERO" , I ended up not saving anyone but sucked up by the blackhole of every Jerk.
Before I get totally sucked out from my sanity and go down the shame spiral I want to correct my misconstrued judgment. I wanna look back to my old self. That sweet girl longing for her "Prince Charming". There was a sweet time in my life where my heart belonged in New York, I thought I found my prince... He made me believe in destiny and the divine power of the universe... the ultimate sense of greater purpose. He made me speak in perfect poetry and paint my life with dreams and ambitions. Some of the baggage of my past didn't seem to matter anymore... I have learned to let a few of them go... As if all the pain I went through became all worth it... Back then I wasn't looking for anything nor waiting for anything. But I found love in an almost divine form, so I say.
As I listen to my ultimate love song... as I am sharing it to another... It reminded me that it can happen. He may have not been my "Prince Charming" just yet... But how much more can I be saved by the real one? To be swept away in just one look, to come like a ray of light, and be all that you asked for. I am un-killing, you again my prince. I rather have wait for you and not come, than to be sucked out from sanity by those vicious Jerks around... Universe, please help me with my plight.
Save me, but I won't be waiting. :-)