Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Un-Suicide Note: The Confessions of a Drama-Mama


As I may always have my usual rants and out-burst of frustrations every-now-and-then. I haven't really vent on the real score with my mind conflicts and my usual dramas. I'm such a biploar and I'm not-so-proud to be. But hello... it's so friggin obvious. I write when I'm extremely happy, extremely baffled, extreme angry and extremely sad. I have all the extremes that makes up my personal-protection... my spikes.

Anws, I just want to write my heart, this time.

Being a single-mom was by far most the turning point in my life. I wouldn't be who I am right now if it weren't for the life changing lessons I learned during the steep road to motherhood.The life I am living for the past years, it's no longer mine.

This is such and understatement.

It has been five years since I portrayed this role of being a single parent, a young mom vis-a-vis continuing student and doing side jobs here and there. It wasn't very long ago, I could still remember my struggles going to school with my 1-year-old son. I was carrying him in a baby carrier, I bring him along during my 7am class up until my 5pm class in school, and I was breastfeeding inside the classroom. This must be so surreal but everything is true.

I remember waking up so early in the morning and my heart bleeds with the torturing thought that my 1-year-old son is forced to waking up so early. No child deserves to wake up so early and experience the rough world of college life. I am such a bad mother. But I cannot do anything about it. That's a sucky feeling, I cannot do anything more about it.

For the longest time, and up until now, I feel like I don't belong anywhere, I feel I am socially banished and I cannot easily make friends. I have too much things to think about that I cannot sit and stay for a while for small talks, my head is constantly worrying about things like "How many diapers are there left for this week", "What school project can I start on so I won't worry about it anymore", "Will it rain tomorrow, because I need to do our laundries.", "Where will I get money for my son's vaccine shots and groceries?". I was always on my toes...

At this point, there was no room for reflections and loneliness. I was extremely busy to even stop and think about anything. I was always on the go.

Looking back now, I can't believe survived five years living like this. I have pasted in my forehead that "I am no longer allowed to have fun." So I didn't. I treated everything as business and everything has empirical equivalence. It was actually all mechanical, honestly, it's a stone-cold and fool-proof shield. I did good empirically, grades-wise, money-wise, career-wise...

I remember an old acquaintance used to be so-attached to me waiting for me and merely wanting to have lunch with me at school, I could not even honor. I jaded myself into believing that I cannot and would not handle any friendships nor any emotional investing situation. Since my concept of college friends shattered when I got pregnant.

Not only friends... I was literally taken a far back-seat when I chose this path. I lost my school, I lost my friends, I lost my lavish lifestyle, I lost my family, I lost my home, I lost myself. I surrendered, humbled myself and decided to be a mother. And it was such a painful thing to bare, especially being pregnant already then the father-of-my-son won't even talk to me and even loathe my existence.

"I gave up literally EVERYTHING for this family. I don't deserve to be just a doormat"

When he started physically hurting me, I know it won't work out anymore. So I entered myself into a disgruntling charitable institution. I entered a home for unwed mothers.

Up until now, even if I have literally, self-taught myself to be a mother, from giving birth, bathing an infant, doing house chores I didn't have to in my past lifestyle, I must be honest to say that I find it so hard to forgive myself for letting me be in that place.

"Taga-UP ako, edukada and hindi baldado. Bakit ako nandito?"

It was by far most the most humbling and self-humiliating part of my life. I locked up myself in a place where rape-victims, immoral pregnancies of elicit affairs were in-hiding, spoiled teenage who got pregnant at a tender of 15 were being punished... I should not be here!

Naalala ko yung isang girl dun sa home, bilang siya ay kanto-girl na katulong at saksakan ng pagiging palaaway, naalala ko sinabi tungkol sa akin: "Taga-UP ba yan? Eh bakit nandito yan?"

I still could not forgive myself for being trampled upon the lowest of all the lowest people. I am not judgmental but these people gave me a reason to think that they cannot earn the respect I easily give-off to people in general.

But nonetheless, I raised up to the occasion, I gave birth, went through it all. I survived. After all the bullshit I went-through... I am a better mother and mind you, not all mothers cannot do what I did. That is a proud badge I will wear upto my grave.

As these were all part of my painful past that I find so hard to forgive, I now look back now, I cannot believe what I have been through. Buti hindi ako nabaliw. I was placed in so much rejection and un-acceptance but I still kept on going.

It's one thing to just keep on doing it, because it's easy to do, but HELL, it's a whole new league to JUST KEEP ON DOING IT EVEN IF THE WHOLE WORLD IS NOT ON YOUR SIDE.

I'm doing this because I believe if there is one thing I could do good I am the BEST MOTHER my son could have. You don't get to choose your parents, I have that in mind, so might as well be the best damn-parent to my son. I could have easily took easy way out. But this is a choice that has defined my lifetime. I chose to be your mother, Atreyu... I would do it again in a heartbeat even if it kills me.

Now that I am a far different-girl from that five-year-boot camp process, I started to regain my heart again. I literally, killed some part of myself with the process, and I am just starting to regain myself inside.

I gave up so much, just to be a mother. This is time, now that I am, I want to regain whom I was before this.

A dear friend told me recently, "May be you lost yourself along the way." That is an understatement. I just want to live my life not out of NEED but by WANT. I missed out so much, I gave up my youth along the way.

I am not regretting being a mother. There may be side bumps here and there, but I am trying to forgive myself.

I miss my old self but I know I am still that person.

Despite me, being the real-WONDERWOMAN... I have lost faith on who I am. May be because I was stripped-off everything for a time I don't know.

These are all mere babbling, I don't see my end conclusion. All I just want to write is how my heart bleeds for the pain and the unpain I killed how brave and generous of me to bare all the sacrifices I made. I am still alive, there's no reason to kill some parts of me. Of all people, I deserve to be happy because early on in life I have given away so much and felt pain so much... This time, I am ready to fill my heart with love and happiness again and regain who I am and embrace who I will be.

But above all things. I fucking ROCK as a mother, I AM THE BEST.

5 comments:

  1. "This time, I am ready to fill my heart with love and happiness again and regain who I am and embrace who I will be."
    WOW.
    I did not know your back story, nor the hard ships you went thorugh.
    Indeed from your pictures i assumed you were a happy go-lucky person but from this i know now that you went through many things to become who you are now.
    You are proud of being a mother and that is genuinely seen in this post.
    I wish you the best of luck but you wont really need it.
    You are a strong person and you will make your own luck and find happiness in verything you do.

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    1. Thank you for reading this "dramatic" blog... Actually this was from my old "Notes" in my Facebook... But I still feel so attached to this that I wanted to post this here. I appreciate you reading this and your comment...

      I actually read this again when I saw your comment and I felt teary-eyed... There were so much pain that I can still vividly remember, especially the "friends leaving me behind" part...

      But it's okay, thinking about the pain and hardships I've faced always makes me feel so grateful of what I have now and those times at the home for single moms... Even if it was "humiliating" in a way, but those girls taught so much that no school, no famous celebrity, no amount of money could have teach me... They were even in such bad phase worse than me but they were all trying so hard and working so hard... That alone gives me strength... If other less fortunate people can do and strive hard, what more can I do with my talent and knowledge? I always tell this to my Kareshi when it feels hard for us (at work at life...) Just always think of the children in Africa, the homeless people, how much blessed are we.

      It's the pain and mistakes that makes us human :-)

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  2. It's like my heart is crushed when I read this. Nakakaiyak, I always say na I was miserable, I had so much potential and there are so many wonderful things ahead of me but then I became pregnant and now, I'm a stay-at-home-mom but the good thing is that I had my family and husband supporting me from the start. The life that I thought was miserable isn't half of what you have gone through. You, indeed, are a real Wonderwoman. You deserve to be happy.

    Kudos for breastfeeding Atreyu even in school!

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    1. Thank Erika! Being a mom is life changing! Makes us stronger beyond our capabilities!

      Kudos to us moms!

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  3. This is a deep post. Everyone should read and understand what you think about yourself, your situation, and heart of mother.

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