Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

The Rainbow paints our world with colors
There was a time few among the lower points of my life I remember I was walking along Whiteplains going to Cubao with Atreyu. One of those series of unfortunate events two years ago, when I stood by my decision to really do what I want to do... a Fashion Designer. Not a TV Stylist... Not an Office-based Designer Employee... A Designer alone with free vision and free willing direction I could stir in to.Of course my ever so supportive parents  were the fore runner to try to make me fail. No offense meant but it is true. It's just like that I guess. Nonetheless they made me even pursue this just to prove them wrong. (I know it is not a good motivation, but as if in that situation I had any other choice.) It was one of the hardest times of my life where I have no means to work simultaneously taking care of Atreyu.I had no one but him. We were walking because we might ran out of money if we took the cab. Small thing but really means a lot during that time. Then while walking, I was hesitant to make Atreyu a long, long, loooooong walk... The clouds suddenly came. Seemed like it's gonna rain. FYI, I hate walking. I would take a cab in a heartbeat in any other situation... or may be perhaps, if I am in love and in daze, you'll get to make me walk miles. (Or simply take me to Harajuku I'll walk a thousand miles haha) I was a depressing moment and it's what I call "Miserable Third World Adventure" haha... Kidding aside, I could only laugh about it now but those times were scary. I don't know until when I can keep Atreyu because I have this constant fear that social services can just take him away from me just because I chose to pursue my dream even if I'll be broke for a while. A constant fear and struggle of self sacrifice and seeking my self actualization.Of course my son has to come first... but how can I function being what I am is the only way I knew how. Pretty much that's how my mind goes round in circles while we where doing that walk of shame.

Then suddenly Atreyu called my attention, "Mommy, rainbow o..." and it was indeed a nice half rainbow amidst the chaos in my mind, along the streets and in my soul. A Rainbow.

How cinematic could this get?? if I had been a screenplay writer this is pretty good stuff haha. But you know this really happened. It just felt relieving despite of what I am fearing of, this little boy so untainted and so innocent, trusts me with all his heart would rather come with me to the filtiest parts of the universe and still see the rainbow amidst all. I am just so blessed or what??


One piece of advice... When you've reached the rock-bottom... just like the parabolic mathematical equation formula... there's no way but up.

There's no other way but UP. Almost the same as there's no way but down to humble ourselves once in a while
Olive once told me... God never leaves us with totally nothing and no body is perfect.. That's how the balance of nature works. I may not have the most glamorous life, the sanest mind, the most bearable person you may find but I certainly felt I have so much value because of this God-sent angel to stand by me. I have always felt I had no one. I practically raised myself not seeking help from my parents, my family, I figured out things and miserably failed in few ways or so just because I don't want to be lectured on being stupid. I never had anyone I belong to until Atreyu came along. The balance that completes me and yet could also kill me if he's gone.

Hey this was supposed to be a happy blog why is it becoming a tearjerker haha. Wait I'll make things lighter haha.

This parabola I tried to bear in my brave soul... is just like the rainbow. There will always be a rainbow around that comes unexpectedly in many different forms and in many different ways.

This morning while I was bathing Atreyu for school, a blinking light in rainbow colors flashed into his eyes. It's so rejuvenating to see Atreyu so excited and enthusiastic about discovering things."I never saw your that blink like that before!" Haha simple joys of a child. Sometimes I wish he could stay as child and just be happy being a child.

In months time, he'll be SEVEN. Seven!! When I was seven I had full of resentment of not being allowed to play outside, not being the pretty sibling, and being neglected in many ways but the material means. I have anything I wished for but I still had that resentment as unproud as I am now. I pray, Atreyu doesn't. He seems not... i hope. As early on I thought him about rainbows and fairies... anything he want to believe in can come true, I hope he never forgets that.

I was supposed to write the Bucketlist of things I want to see over my rainbow but I guess this writing has a life of it's own

4 comments:

  1. im really proud of that you set a rainbow on my message alert on your bb.

    well, you are not alone, be strong as a mom and be honest, when you need a help, as a girl.

    you always have someone to rely on.

    that's the way of society appears.

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  2. you made me cried this early..kakagising ko pa lang eh..sometimes, we have to experience the lowest of lows so we can appreciate simple things that come our way..parang rainbow, hindi lalabas pag walang ulan..hehe

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  3. I remember you set an alert as rainbow. And mine was rainbow or specific color at least. I remember that.

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    Replies
    1. You were the RAINBOW, yes you were, but you broke us. You broke me and Atreyu. I don't think rainbow does that.

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