Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

The Rainbow paints our world with colors
There was a time few among the lower points of my life I remember I was walking along Whiteplains going to Cubao with Atreyu. One of those series of unfortunate events two years ago, when I stood by my decision to really do what I want to do... a Fashion Designer. Not a TV Stylist... Not an Office-based Designer Employee... A Designer alone with free vision and free willing direction I could stir in to.Of course my ever so supportive parents  were the fore runner to try to make me fail. No offense meant but it is true. It's just like that I guess. Nonetheless they made me even pursue this just to prove them wrong. (I know it is not a good motivation, but as if in that situation I had any other choice.) It was one of the hardest times of my life where I have no means to work simultaneously taking care of Atreyu.I had no one but him. We were walking because we might ran out of money if we took the cab. Small thing but really means a lot during that time. Then while walking, I was hesitant to make Atreyu a long, long, loooooong walk... The clouds suddenly came. Seemed like it's gonna rain. FYI, I hate walking. I would take a cab in a heartbeat in any other situation... or may be perhaps, if I am in love and in daze, you'll get to make me walk miles. (Or simply take me to Harajuku I'll walk a thousand miles haha) I was a depressing moment and it's what I call "Miserable Third World Adventure" haha... Kidding aside, I could only laugh about it now but those times were scary. I don't know until when I can keep Atreyu because I have this constant fear that social services can just take him away from me just because I chose to pursue my dream even if I'll be broke for a while. A constant fear and struggle of self sacrifice and seeking my self actualization.Of course my son has to come first... but how can I function being what I am is the only way I knew how. Pretty much that's how my mind goes round in circles while we where doing that walk of shame.

Then suddenly Atreyu called my attention, "Mommy, rainbow o..." and it was indeed a nice half rainbow amidst the chaos in my mind, along the streets and in my soul. A Rainbow.

How cinematic could this get?? if I had been a screenplay writer this is pretty good stuff haha. But you know this really happened. It just felt relieving despite of what I am fearing of, this little boy so untainted and so innocent, trusts me with all his heart would rather come with me to the filtiest parts of the universe and still see the rainbow amidst all. I am just so blessed or what??

One piece of advice... When you've reached the rock-bottom... just like the parabolic mathematical equation formula... there's no way but up.

There's no other way but UP. Almost the same as there's no way but down to humble ourselves once in a while
Olive once told me... God never leaves us with totally nothing and no body is perfect.. That's how the balance of nature works. I may not have the most glamorous life, the sanest mind, the most bearable person you may find but I certainly felt I have so much value because of this God-sent angel to stand by me. I have always felt I had no one. I practically raised myself not seeking help from my parents, my family, I figured out things and miserably failed in few ways or so just because I don't want to be lectured on being stupid. I never had anyone I belong to until Atreyu came along. The balance that completes me and yet could also kill me if he's gone.

Hey this was supposed to be a happy blog why is it becoming a tearjerker haha. Wait I'll make things lighter haha.

This parabola I tried to bear in my brave soul... is just like the rainbow. There will always be a rainbow around that comes unexpectedly in many different forms and in many different ways.

This morning while I was bathing Atreyu for school, a blinking light in rainbow colors flashed into his eyes. It's so rejuvenating to see Atreyu so excited and enthusiastic about discovering things."I never saw your that blink like that before!" Haha simple joys of a child. Sometimes I wish he could stay as child and just be happy being a child.

In months time, he'll be SEVEN. Seven!! When I was seven I had full of resentment of not being allowed to play outside, not being the pretty sibling, and being neglected in many ways but the material means. I have anything I wished for but I still had that resentment as unproud as I am now. I pray, Atreyu doesn't. He seems not... i hope. As early on I thought him about rainbows and fairies... anything he want to believe in can come true, I hope he never forgets that.

I was supposed to write the Bucketlist of things I want to see over my rainbow but I guess this writing has a life of it's own

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Yeah Van Gogh is Bipolar

The ambiance of Van Gogh is Bipolar is so damn fine! 
Finally! I have been wanting to blog about my first Van Gogh is Bipolar Experience but I couldn't upload my photos. Since I just took them from my celfone... my celfone has been having biploar fits lately and I could access my twitter and facebook there. Such a drag. Anws, I finally got the pics out from it so hooray! 

Actually I have been long longing to go to this artsy place without knowing what's in store for me. It is actually my dream date peg as seen on my previous tumblog. Hehe. Finally after months of wishful thinking... I finally went there.

Atreyu, my ever so
chivalrous chaperone 
A friend and a client of mine, Ana-Shawarma as I call her since we were highschool pals way back in Miriam College High School. Met up with me a day after setting her foot on the ground of the Philippine soil. She hasn't been back in Manila for four years since she migrated to San Francisco after college. Anws, to cut the story short, she met up with me in this artsy place. 

May be it wasn't such a great idea to take our kids along... Since her little princess, Kallista still have jetlag and Atreyu don't want to eat anything from the menu... Having not known that all dishes were on set menus in 7, 5, 4 course meals... and everything was healthy herb-ie dishes. It's actually my first time to eat that brown rice... it looked weird, like a regular rice soiled with soy sauce. But it tastes the same as the regular rice. so they say, that rice is the rarest kind. I don't know about that but yeah I looked weird for me. haha.  Jethro, the owner of the fancy place told us that the dishes are actually researched to put a person to a good mood... Since he himself is bipolar. But nonetheless I think Atreyu had a blast writing on walls. As artsy as the place as expected. 

The infamous red doodle wall.
Atreyu even manage to bring in a good, old funny anecdote I could tell about people and have a good laugh about it. As he enjoyed himself playing and writing, he suddenly said something so trippin! haha
Atreyu: "Tignan mo yung walls, Mommy... 'Pag i-shake mo yung ulo mo parang gumagalaw ang walls..."
(Look at the walls, Mommy... When you shake your head, the walls would seem like moving...) 
Mommy:  "That's so high Atreyu... May doobie ba ang pagkain dito? I think naghahallucinate ka na, anak."  
(That's so high, Atreyu... Is there marijuana content with the dishes here? I think you're hallucinating already, my son.")
With the herbs and the different organic stuff in the dishes we ate I couldn't help but think of that. Haha. It's a funny thought, though. But after a few hours of long chitchat and wedding planning... Me and Ana finally saw what Atreyu has been talking about... Saying...
Ana-Shawarma: (touching on the wall) "Bakla, totoo nga yung sinasabi ni Atreyu... Parang gumagalaw nga yung walls... Astig paano nila ginawa yun...?"
(What Atreyu was saying is true... The walls seems moving... I wonder how they do that...?"   
Jethro, the owner: "Ganyan talaga yan, may ganyang optical illusion talaga yang red wall na yan"
(It's really like that, that red wall has that optical illusion)

Haha what a funny tale. Atreyu is such an artist, too I think he appreciated the place and it's eccentricities. He even made me take all the pictures from the place. Here are some of the photos... Enjoy. I'm definetely going back to Van Gogh is Bipolar but next time I won't probably take Atreyu, poor little boy only ate a banana since he doesn't want to eat fancy food.

And that damn banana was the only thing Atreyu ate.
Some antique stuff
The Unlimited Tea selection choose anything you want.

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Tiara's Wedding Project #1 for 2011

Hansel Belen and Krista Agulto Wedding
January 22, 2010 
Hansel Belen and Krista Agulto Wedding
January 22, 2010
Iglesia ni Kristo, Araneta Avenue & The Gulf Club

This is our (Czarina Villa and I's) first collaboration project. I have been so excited to see the photos of this wedding. Czarina and I didn't assist anymore with the bride since her wedding ensemble is a simple vintage-inspired looking gown. Although the birdcage net of her headpiece wasn't worn properly, I'm still glad Krista looked lovely and very happy as every bride should be. 
Krista Agulto-Belen, such a lovely bride with a Czarina Villa Gown and Tiara by Tracy Dizon Headpiece

It is my first Crystal-Bridcage headpiece and it is a lovely piece. It is always interesting to develop new designs... Especially when clients asks for them so eagerly... It feels great as a designer to help every client's vision come to life. I think as an artist... this is our vow of duty.
Some more closer shot to my vintage inspired design. Gotta love vintage!
Moreover, I'm glad to have this project because Czarina and I had sweet and fun girl talks. Somehow because of this project we bonded even more! Our coffeeshop chitchats and her priceless love advices are simply the perks I get more than the monetary earnings. To more projects! Cheers!! Congratulations to Krista and Hansel!

This is my inspiration board for her wedding headpiece

Saturday, February 05, 2011

It's ONE YEAR since...

This was Adrian's last Facebook Photo
"What I am; you cannot fix."                  -Adrian Olympia, (March 19 1987 - February 5, 2010)
I saw this in the photo slide written on a wall during your apartment blessing… I’m not sure if you wrote this… But struck me very much. RIP, Adrian.
(I posted this entry February 14, 2010 )

I saw Andre's tweet last night and I remember it was Adrian's death anniversary. I remember those time was a very sad time... for most of us. I can still feel Fran misses him very much. She's such a Tinkerbell and Adrian is Peter Pan. I pray you're in a good place now. I hope someday we'll see you again.

Tsureishi: The Murakami Addict (...and some other grandiose fantasies!)

I don't know if it's just a phase... or perhaps I'm fixating on Murakami to get over some not-so-long-ago wounded past. Or may be I'm just bored. But eversince I finished reading "After Dark" I kept wanting to read more and more of his novels.

I just have to quote this line from my Murakami Book#1: "After Dark"... I find this like heartfelt and sentimental yet humanly real:
"You know what I think?" she says. "That people's memories are maybe the fuel they burn to stay alive. Whether those memories have any actual importance or not, it doesn't matter as far as the maintenance of life is concerned. They're all just fuel. Advertising fillers in the newspaper, philosophy books, dirty pictures in a magazine, a bundle of ten-thousand-yen bills: when you feed 'em to the fire, they're all just paper. The fire isn't thinking, 'Oh, this is Kant,' or 'Oh, this is the Yomiuri evening edition,'...while it burns. To the fire, they're nothing but scraps of paper. It's the exact same thing. Important memories, not-so-important memories, totally useless memories: there's no distinction--they're all just fuel."
-Korogi from the novel "After Dark" by Haruki Murakami
After reading my Book#1, I found out that Murakami's Norwegian Wood was made into a movie! I want to watch this badly! Knowing myself... I'm such a sucker for foreign films... especially Asian Films. ♥ I wanted to  get a copy of Norwegian Wood but sadly, Fully Booked in Cubao ran out of copies. But definitely I'll  have this book one of these days. Even if I have to scour every bookstore in Metro Manila!! Moreover, I really badly want to watch this film. I hope I get to find a DVD copy that in the streets of Quiapo. Look at the very nice movie trailer... it's brooding with drama... and the musical scoring is perfection. Gotta love The Beatles!

"The grief over a death of someone you loved can never be healed. We can only live with the sorrow and learn something out of it. To love somebody deeply... To live strongly... "

I don't why I'm really fixating on artsy films lately. May be because I need to right a screenplay sometime soon? Perhaps? Yeah may be the universe conspired to put me on movie-television-independent film jobs for that reason... To make the ultimate movie. Haha. Me and my grandiose imagination. Yeah I will be in Cannes Film Fest like my dear friends and colleagues Digo Ricio and Armi Cacanindin... you both are my model epitome of world class Filipino Artists. I am honored you got me as your costume designer for some of your projects.*Naks*

Digo Ricio and Armi Rae Cacanindin
from Cannes Film Festival in France!!
Me and my grandiose dreams. I can never get enough of it. sometimes I think I am stuck in my own world. But who cares... I like to live in it. haha... Being a single mom (take note of SINGLE and not being MARRIED and being so INDEPENDENT) working and making my creative vision into reality, reading a good book, blogging and writing again, re-learning simple basic things such as Patience, Love and Dreams. Oh believe me, I should relearn about PATIENCE haha... I think I blew-off few among of my heartfelt "should-have-been-a-relationships"  because I am so impatient. It's okay, I've learned to forgive myself... We live, we learn.

Anyways, sorry for drifitng from my original blog topic. Haha I am so loopy. I got my Murakami Book#2: Sputnik Sweetheart this week (since Norwegian Wood is unavailable) and I thought I wouldn't like it... but I did. On the first few chapters I thought it was a boring book but when the middle part came I realized that every page was better than the last, and by the end I was entirely hooked up with it... I didn't realize the last page of the book was the last. I even got the book cover that I wanted:

Sputnik Sweetheart by Haruki Murakami this is my favorite cover version
The novel is set on that fashionable place in Tokyo- Omotesando and somehow I'm so fascinated that I could really imagine the characters dressed up with the likes of the people there. It's fancy. haha.

I like how the novel lives on human longing. I find it so unpretentious how people in the real world pretend to be not lonely and how some pretend to be lonely for attention. In the real world where everyone wanted to be noticed and put on a show, everything is about drama and theatrics. I like how Murakami write about the vivid simplicity and sentimental longing of people... I felt so untainted.

And haha. Please forgive my naughty nature. The sensuality of some lines in the book is really convincing. haha I think anyone who would read it would have a hard on. haha. (Read my favorite part in the book haha)
"Without a word Sumire took my had and gently squeezed it. Her small soft hand had a faint sheen of sweat. I imagined her hand stroking my rock-hard penis. I tried not to think that, but couldn't help it. As Sumire had said, there were no other choices. I imagine taking off her T-shirt, her shorts, her panties. Feeling her tight taught nipples under my tongue. Spreading her legs wide, entering that wetness. Slowly into a deep darkness within. It enticed me inside, enfolded me, then pushed me out... The illussion grabbed me and wouldn't let go. I closed my eyes tight again and let a concentrated clump of time wash over me. My face turned down, I waited patiently for the overheated air to blow above me and away."
-K from the novel "Sputnik Sweetheart" by Haruki Murakami
Steamy lines, right? haha.

May be someday I'll get to write like this. I wonder may be when I retire to be a fashion designer... I be a writer. Haha. I wrote a poem years ago. I think it is still the best I wrote up to date.

"In All Senses"
by Tracy Dizon

Wrap your arms
Around my waist
Eternal bliss I feel
With your embrace
Caress my cold skin
With your cozy fingers
Let my soul escape
In the heavens, it lingers
Let my hair flow low
To dampen your face
Let me feel your humid
Breath, your spirit's trace
Kiss me behind my ears
And whisper the intense
Sigh I crave to hear
Face to face, we're so close
My nose bumping into yours
So close, the only one I see
No walls, no ceilings, can't see
In my peripheral visions
Let's get comfy in
Our perfect position

- Tracy Dizon, December 04, 2008 15.29 hours (Manila)

Is it at par with Haruki Murakami's? Haha. Not! But still I loved this poem I made. I think it is my perfect depiction of the art of making love. 

Anyways, you will definitely soon be seeing another Murakami blog update. I will scour later this afternoon for Norwegian Wood. And yet I have to write another blog update for posterity's sake. I am sentimental. hehe.