Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Sunken Garden Sanctuary

One of my favorite photo of all time!
The U.P. Sunken Garden is one of my special sanctuary where I could find peace and nice relaxed time. It's one of the most special places for me.

Taka and I shared nice times talking about many things about life and everything and anything under the sun. It's the first place I took him last year when he first came to Manila.

One time he requested me to take pictures of me and Atreyu in the Sunken Garden... It was actually a nice request... To have a special reason to go there and take lovely photos!

Well... There's really nothing much I can say but I just wanna post the photos Atreyu and I took. It was a bit afterlunch at this time and the sun was really starting to be too hot! As I mentioned previously, summer is coming in Manille! But with this view~ It's the best.

It's always the best here.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Tracy's Dear Diary: Summer in Manille

I can't believe summer is starting ready. The sun explodes on my face at day time. I hate summers.

At least I get to wear my sun dresses.

Just a short thought.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Wonderful World of Kawaiiness!

Feb. 19, Sun.
1:10/ 5:10/ 9:10/
13:10/ 17:10/ 22:10(UTC)

From Japan, home of Kawaii culture, we bring you the latest trend of "Kawaii" captured in Tokyo. Up to the minute info on Kawaii 'people', 'experiences' and 'items', everything that the globally expanding "Kawaii" followers are craving to know is here!

It's also a participatory program, with features like picture posting events where worldwide viewers can join in. Our guest star in this edition is Misako Aoki, world famous Lolita fashion model and also in the panel of judges of the facebook "kawaii.i Lolita Contest". The award winner of this contest will be announced in the program. And don't miss the lively "girl talk" joined by amateur models appearing frequently in magazines!
 - From NHK World TV Programs

OMG! This has been the happiest moment of my television watching-life. This has been what I've been missing my entire life! An all-around news about kawaii culture around the world! Ohhh I wonder how I could get in-touch with this show! I wanna work for you!! I learned so much and I get so excited seeing the overloading cuteness!
I'm looking forward to more!!

I'm the Sassy Girl!

I made this DIY Movie Poster Wannabe
It's like Taka & Tracy's version of "My Sassy Girl"
As one of my ultimate requests, I asked him to watch "My Sassy Girl" just because I love this movie so much. I know he is not interested to watch this kind of movies but I want to insist. I have this bizarre disillusion that our story is like patched from some of my favorite films. One of it is this. I got a chance to search in YouTube and it's so awesome that someone is so generous to share this film to everyone with English Subtitles! I watched it again and I felt so touched again. (Contradictory to my recent feeling of despair and disappointments.)
Every time I watch this film, I find something new. And what I never fail to admire is that this film was a true-to-life- story made into a movie. It's really refreshing and heartwarming. It's has touched my heart in a deep way that I keep writing about this over and over again. Hopefully my boyfriend gets to learn to feel that warmth or at least feel it.
I recently talked with a friend of mine talking about my frustrations and how I feel this envy with having someone who's so expressive and warm. It's hard to reconcile my frustrations and why despite my sad disposition, I've been staying. I don't know. It's simply because I am hopelessly in love. I don't know what I'm saying I'm babbling with incoherent thoughts again.
I remember my boyfriend with this film because he always tell me how scared he feels every-time he's with me because I will get angry. I find it sad. But when I watched this film again, I felt I shouldn't because that's how things should be. Haha. At least in my bizarre world of oddness.
But what I feel deeply connected with this story is despite how tough this "Sassy-Girl" was... She is still fragile and vulnerable. Most people hiding in the exterior of toughness are the most fragile ones... I saw myself in that.
I don't know when he will find time to do so to watch it. It always ends up that I've already forgotten my request when he does things. I don't know if I've gotten so impatient or simply I'm so bossy. Sorry. But before I forget this request, I want to remember why I wanted him to do it.
It's my way of appreciating him in a way, he may have see our relationship as a miserable scare all the time. But for me it's a great story that will forever touch my heart. 

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Chungking Express: Expiration Date

"We split up on April Fool's Day. So I decided to let the joke run for a month. Every day I buy a can of pineapple with a sell-by date of May 1. May loves pineapple, and May 1 is my birthday. If May hasn't changed her mind by the time I've bought thirty cans, then our love will also expire."
- He Zhiwu, Cop 223 from "Chung King Express" by Wong Kai Wai

All good things comes to an end. I love that movie Chung King Express. It opened my appreciation with Asian Films in general... It has a fresh vibe into it. Asians are more reflective than Westerns for me I think. I feel the closeness and the introspective nature of each character. Plus it has a sweet plot!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Corazon is finally showing!

Two years ago, I worked on this ilm as a costume designer... I'm glad it's finally showing on March 14th! Instead of being an indie film... It will be showing nationwide! I've sweat blood and tears... plus mud making this! I've shared a part of myself doing this film conceptualizing each characters and deeply thinking about each and everyone's personality.

Please watch Corazon: Ang unang Aswang starring Erich Gonzales and Derek Ramsay.

My Dream Valentine's Day Gifts ~ After the most miserable day I've had.

Well, it's such a miserable week for me. A week of arguments on Valentine's Day. I'm so tired and I still feel so sad. Well, I'll stop whining. I'm writing this entry to amuse myself. Next year, I'll look back to this entry and remember what I wanted and what I didn't want. haha.

As I've said... It won't hurt if I stare at them... Since I can't have these things now... I'll stare at them instead! Haha! Another lesson learned... I won't have these things if I don't get it myself. So next year, I'll be preparing myself this things. haha! Better like that, at least I won't be disappointed by anybody.

Pink Happiness! Haha!
Okay let me roll-call the first batch! Haha! 1) Pink Lilium bouquet, 2) Sweetheart Tart Candies, 3) Pink Domo Stuffed Toy, 4) Strawberry Flavored KitKat

Aren't they cute? Haha! Well, I can get the Kitkat by myself today. So I better make this entry fast haha!

The Hot Pink Collection haha! 
Roll-call again! 1) Betsey Johnson Charm Bracelet 2) Kuromi ~ my Sanrio alter-ego (we have the same birthdays!) 3) Leopard Hello Kitty 4) A Tacky Heart Shaped Betsey Johnson Earrings! Haha!

Black and Whites!

Roll-call! All Betsey Johnson accessories! Bracelet, Earrings and Necklace! Looks so fancy haha!

Hello Love!

TIFFANY & CO FLOWER ENGAGEMENT RING PINK SAPPHIRE DIAMOND SOLID PLATINUM $1,999.00 Haha! Yeah... Dream on! It won't kill me to dream!

After all.. This is the Manic Pixie Dream Girl dreaming again... whatelse can I do? I've had the worst most unromantic week ever. All I can do is whine, sulk, or day dream how else I'll get over it!

But lesson learned is ~ Tracy.. do it yourself!

Gomen Nasai for a very bitter and materialistic blog post, it was my stress reliever during this sad times.

Toreishi's Attempt to Prepare Valentine's Day Japan Style

One for the notes... Valentine's Day Disaster 2012
Preparing Valentine's Day Japan Style: Oddly, Valentine's Day in Japan requires most work for Girls and non for the Guys. It was a very different custom to what I may have known... V-Day in my own tradition is my time to receive some sweets or some gifts or something! But in Japan, the guys are the lucky ones who gets to sit and wait for their "Giri Choko" from friends and colleagues and "Honmei Choco" from their GF's.

My Miserable "Valentines Day"

The Best Gift I ever had this Valentines Day.
"I didn't get anything for this Valentines Day. It's probably the worst I've ever had. My day started and ended with debacle and never ending arguments about nonsense. But my son made me the sweetest card that I didn't even asked for... He just said he made it to make me smile. It melted my heart, everyone may come and go, but Atreyu is my forever. He's the best. Even if someday I get to have other sons or daughters, Atreyu will always be the best blessing I ever had in my life. He's my bestfriend, my knight, my family and my sunshine. Happy Valentine's Day, Atreyu! Mommy loves you. I wanna post this because he likes me showing off his gifts. He's so adorable."
- Pixietracy on Instagram

I must admit that ENVY for me is the most unattractive sin. I think it's the most pathetic sin. But I've never felt so much envy to everyone I came across with last Valentines Day. I'm not a Valentine's Day person as far as I knew myself, I never expected I would feel so much envy to anyone even. It's so funny that as it was the day of love and celebration of love, I never in my entire lifetime ever wished I'd rather be unattached and have friends instead to celebrate love with than to be with someone who seems a mock-up lover disguised... but a dead robot underneath. I never felt dead cold... as I see some people around the world being treated like a princesses or just to the least, a person appreciated and felt love with. I had to beg, debacle and argue about nonsense matters on Valentine's Day.

And I still feel so sad and teared up writing this until now three days after.

I never had any chance to feel Valentines Day in my younger twenties. May be once, with Atreyu's dad... back in college. That's it. I never had a chance to get on dates, or have flowers or anything that a typical girl would feel special in a commercialized day. Yeah, it may be commercialized, but it's the memory I can bring along in my heart that matters to me. It may sound petty, shallow and nonsense, but as I grow older, I realized some of these things I will never get a chance to do anymore as time would pass by.

Atreyu making a crown 
on VDay 2009
Anyways, as Atreyu grew up I mostly spent Valentines Day in a school activity with him or may be some kiddie dinner. I've never felt any envy or discontentment even if we only had each other and most of the time everyone has dads around in school. I knew in my heart and I felt the luckiest with Atreyu. We have a simple life and I never wished for those fancy flowers or chocolates or anything because I always get the best gift hand-made by Atreyu. I get the best jewelries made of paper and the best masterpieces... He even made me a crown once! It was never about the fancy things... It's about celebrating love and appreciating love ones.

I didn't expect I would take it so differently this year. Well, it's my first year to celebrate Valentine's Day with a significant other but as the day progress and as I saw how other people were treated so nicely... I couldn't help but feel so miserable. I even had to nag, debacle for a lame Facebook wall message... I didn't feel appreciated at all. 

May be it's because of a strange tradition elsewhere. I can't believe in some strange world, guys are treated like kings and do nothing on Valentine's Day and unfortunately, I have a boyfriend living in that world. Please don't get me wrong. I can totally respect traditions. I actually played along with it!

Silly me, I actually prepared for it for a month! I even researched about it! I heard like girls give gifts on Valentine's Day. Like, you give out obligatory gift to male friends or colleagues and a special one to boyfriend or love one. It actually seems fun. But I don't cook or at least if I could cook, my apartment kitchen is not equipped with major cooking. But since the tradition is to make something for significant other, okay I tried. (see next blog entry)

Off to Tokyo
I even hurried sending this to arrive on time for Valentines Day but all my efforts seemed snubbed when I was miserably misinformed that I sent my gift to a wrong address. The busy receiver failed to inform me that he will be elsewhere for Valentine's Day.

I couldn't help but feel so unappreciated. Not only I worked hard on this, but I was looking forward to this because this was my firs Valentine's Day with someone special. It was hard enough that I can't be physically with him... It felt like a low blow when what I worked hard for was miserably dumped. I never thought Valentine's Day was so brutal to girls in other culture. It's such a rude awakening. I can respect the idea of guys not doing anything for Valentine's Day... But It's such a traumatic experience to be dumped like shit.

All the more I felt so sad, the more tweets and Facebook status I read online about other couples I felt sadder and sadder. Why can't I just feel any appreciation on a day when everyone felt so loved? I even made such great efforts and I was even dumped.

I will never forget this day when I never felt so unloved more than any other years. I may have had expectation unmet... or seemingly I had high expectations. Is receiving my gift too high/ too much expectation? Or a simple sincere greeting too much expectation? I don't know. For me it's not, compared to the efforts I made. 

With much love <3
But my ultimate hero, saved my day. Atreyu made me the best card and the only gift I got this day. I never asked him to make me anything or give me anything... But he made my day special without even demanding and asking for anything in return. Valentine's Day is ultimately the day of appreciating love and I'm still the luckiest person, may be not the luckiest girlfriend, but I'm the luckiest Mommy in the world to have been blessed with unconditional love with my son. By this simple priceless gift, I felt that unconditional love saves. It's a priceless life miracle no money can buy.

Tale of Stripes and Yellow

The best book about hope, love, dreams and life.
Yellow, a caterpillar found it hard to believe that there was a butterfly inside the gray, fuzzy caterpillar so she asked, 
“How does one become a butterfly?”
“You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”
“You mean, to die?”
“Yes and no. What looks like you, will die, but what’s really you, will still live. Life is changed, not taken away.”
- Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus

Nowadays, life hasn't been kind to me. It's a black hole spiraling down to depression and manic behavior. I have no public interest to wash my dirty laundries out in the public especially some people are out to get me. I'm not paranoid, I'm just exaggerating for for dramatic purposes haha. But seriously, I'm perfectly aware how I am measured by cruel people and get pleasure to see me fail. I am not naive but I am not a slave to public perception either.

I just want to exhale. Or better yet... explode.

I am desperately seeking sanctuary and I know I have to face this on my own. I have to face my own demons and defeat them. 

Yes I am incoherent and cryptic.

I don't know if this is my cursed book or a great blessing. Hope for the Flowers is my ultimate favorite book. It's an allegory of life for me and how I see life... or so I thought. Ironically, I never had a copy of this book because I ended up giving my copy to an ex of mine. May be sending out this book cursed my relationships? Haha, damn, I don't know.

I always send this book with love, hope and well wishes that I'm not losing hope in love and I have fate that there will be a better time for everyone. Now I'm skeptic in my own beliefs, I always wish this but I never kept my words. I killed all the love I have for all my past... May be out of spite. May be out of survival. But I want to say I'm sorry that I didn't turn out to be their YELLOWs.

I wish I could but I've never felt better that I've moved on from my past.

Or may be I've changed? May be I 'wanted to fly so much that I already gave up being a caterpillar'...? I don't know. But it awfully feels so lonely lingering around and not knowing what to do and where to go. I'm so tired of guiding the wrong "Stripes" one caterpillar to another. I just feel so heartbroken having to give so much and still lingering around.

The book sends a good message of hope. But how long can I still hold on to? Yes, there will always be hope for the flowers... But butterflies don't live forever either... butterflies dies too.