Friday, February 17, 2012

My Miserable "Valentines Day"

The Best Gift I ever had this Valentines Day.
"I didn't get anything for this Valentines Day. It's probably the worst I've ever had. My day started and ended with debacle and never ending arguments about nonsense. But my son made me the sweetest card that I didn't even asked for... He just said he made it to make me smile. It melted my heart, everyone may come and go, but Atreyu is my forever. He's the best. Even if someday I get to have other sons or daughters, Atreyu will always be the best blessing I ever had in my life. He's my bestfriend, my knight, my family and my sunshine. Happy Valentine's Day, Atreyu! Mommy loves you. I wanna post this because he likes me showing off his gifts. He's so adorable."
- Pixietracy on Instagram

I must admit that ENVY for me is the most unattractive sin. I think it's the most pathetic sin. But I've never felt so much envy to everyone I came across with last Valentines Day. I'm not a Valentine's Day person as far as I knew myself, I never expected I would feel so much envy to anyone even. It's so funny that as it was the day of love and celebration of love, I never in my entire lifetime ever wished I'd rather be unattached and have friends instead to celebrate love with than to be with someone who seems a mock-up lover disguised... but a dead robot underneath. I never felt dead cold... as I see some people around the world being treated like a princesses or just to the least, a person appreciated and felt love with. I had to beg, debacle and argue about nonsense matters on Valentine's Day.

And I still feel so sad and teared up writing this until now three days after.

I never had any chance to feel Valentines Day in my younger twenties. May be once, with Atreyu's dad... back in college. That's it. I never had a chance to get on dates, or have flowers or anything that a typical girl would feel special in a commercialized day. Yeah, it may be commercialized, but it's the memory I can bring along in my heart that matters to me. It may sound petty, shallow and nonsense, but as I grow older, I realized some of these things I will never get a chance to do anymore as time would pass by.

Atreyu making a crown 
on VDay 2009
Anyways, as Atreyu grew up I mostly spent Valentines Day in a school activity with him or may be some kiddie dinner. I've never felt any envy or discontentment even if we only had each other and most of the time everyone has dads around in school. I knew in my heart and I felt the luckiest with Atreyu. We have a simple life and I never wished for those fancy flowers or chocolates or anything because I always get the best gift hand-made by Atreyu. I get the best jewelries made of paper and the best masterpieces... He even made me a crown once! It was never about the fancy things... It's about celebrating love and appreciating love ones.

I didn't expect I would take it so differently this year. Well, it's my first year to celebrate Valentine's Day with a significant other but as the day progress and as I saw how other people were treated so nicely... I couldn't help but feel so miserable. I even had to nag, debacle for a lame Facebook wall message... I didn't feel appreciated at all. 

May be it's because of a strange tradition elsewhere. I can't believe in some strange world, guys are treated like kings and do nothing on Valentine's Day and unfortunately, I have a boyfriend living in that world. Please don't get me wrong. I can totally respect traditions. I actually played along with it!

Silly me, I actually prepared for it for a month! I even researched about it! I heard like girls give gifts on Valentine's Day. Like, you give out obligatory gift to male friends or colleagues and a special one to boyfriend or love one. It actually seems fun. But I don't cook or at least if I could cook, my apartment kitchen is not equipped with major cooking. But since the tradition is to make something for significant other, okay I tried. (see next blog entry)

Off to Tokyo
I even hurried sending this to arrive on time for Valentines Day but all my efforts seemed snubbed when I was miserably misinformed that I sent my gift to a wrong address. The busy receiver failed to inform me that he will be elsewhere for Valentine's Day.

I couldn't help but feel so unappreciated. Not only I worked hard on this, but I was looking forward to this because this was my firs Valentine's Day with someone special. It was hard enough that I can't be physically with him... It felt like a low blow when what I worked hard for was miserably dumped. I never thought Valentine's Day was so brutal to girls in other culture. It's such a rude awakening. I can respect the idea of guys not doing anything for Valentine's Day... But It's such a traumatic experience to be dumped like shit.

All the more I felt so sad, the more tweets and Facebook status I read online about other couples I felt sadder and sadder. Why can't I just feel any appreciation on a day when everyone felt so loved? I even made such great efforts and I was even dumped.

I will never forget this day when I never felt so unloved more than any other years. I may have had expectation unmet... or seemingly I had high expectations. Is receiving my gift too high/ too much expectation? Or a simple sincere greeting too much expectation? I don't know. For me it's not, compared to the efforts I made. 

With much love <3
But my ultimate hero, saved my day. Atreyu made me the best card and the only gift I got this day. I never asked him to make me anything or give me anything... But he made my day special without even demanding and asking for anything in return. Valentine's Day is ultimately the day of appreciating love and I'm still the luckiest person, may be not the luckiest girlfriend, but I'm the luckiest Mommy in the world to have been blessed with unconditional love with my son. By this simple priceless gift, I felt that unconditional love saves. It's a priceless life miracle no money can buy.


  1. I am sorry for the fight on this. It was my stupidity. I really wanna apologise

    1. Can you see how I was changed over the years? I used to be a happy person but then I was filled with disappointments, broken promises.


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