Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Tracy's Dear Diary: The UPS and DOWNS... orz

Hi happy-place-blog, I have missed you so much. It's been a while since I've visited you in a decent laptop. Since my old fossil laptop is broken, I had to squat around using other people's laptops. Sucks. Then when I had enough funds to get myself a new replacement, I had no time to segue to shop for a decent laptop. The circle of life~ All we can do is balance. There are ups and there are downs. But hooray, now as I'm typing this, I'm now the owner of a new shiny laptop... So \(^o^)/for that!

Just a heads up... This writing might be a a downer and even cynical... I wanna apologize in advance... I just wanna air-out the heavy feeling so I can breathe again. The past few weeks has been draining physically and in some other aspects and may be still good in some... Or may be I'm just a one hardcore wild mood swing.

The "facade" that is... Well may be not so much facade since I'm pretty much what you see is what you get. I say what I feel and I'm the most transparent person, even if I wanna hide what I feel, I really am just too raw... and guess what? I'm not ashamed of it. Some may think this happy place of mine is a petty, trivial, childish and frivolous fashion nonsense... it's okay, I chose to be happy with little things and shopping loots, because sometimes intangible and deep happiness can be so elusive that it's so much simpler to start at simple things. Anyways, I'm lucky to have those "deep" happiness or at least have a grasp of them... my son, Taka and my long tale of misadventures and aspiration to dream are my motivation to breathe and to live.

All of these are memoirs of our lives... and I just want to remember them in this time capsule that is my "Foxy Lady Musings". Sorry for my scattered incoherence. 

I just wanna say, how tired I feel to keep up with the race. Race to where? Race to chasing dreams? It's so contradicting to my principle to do so. I always believed and I always say, "Never compete with others. Compete only with yourself." Because it is only ourselves who can bring out the best in us... But as ideal as it may seem, the world we live in isn't. The industries are too competitive in many aspects, everybody claims to be "Original" where in fact we are all recycled being of this planet... Everybody milks every "fame" moment.

I hate the fickle and shallow world we have now, where bloggers are gods whom you should kiss ass just for a chance and get a little endorsement... Didn't bloggers credit their fame to being real people? Someone who came just from "One of us" and spark this hope and aspiration to be "somebody" to everybody else at their rooms in front of their laptops and peeking to the worldwide webworld out there? But what has world come to now? They are in fact are the most staged most commercially fake and milking every single company and brands out there. I don't mean to step on anyone's toes and to pertain anyone in specific, this is just my thinking out loud musings, so please.

The social media and the audience has become so easily persuaded and moved by just some crisp and perfectly lit photos of these and that... without really thinking cautiously and intelligently. It's just sad that rather than being successful at your chosen profession, it's way cooler to be popular just like this and that.

Why should we aspire to go to a good college when we can just invest on a DLSR, the whole window display ensemble of Forever 21 or H&M and a pretty blog site. Sigh. I'm sorry, I just don't want my son or my future offspring to aspire into a shortcut way to life.

I don't hate all bloggers, I don't  hate anyone even, may be I hate a status quo. In my state of emotion right now I just wanna vent out how suffocated I feel... Just may be, I'm exhausted and I just wanna loosen the air that I breathe. I miss the pure essence of beauty, I miss the pure essence of appreciation of what life has to offer...

Rather than being original, I rather be personal. 

Another thing my heart is aching for, success isn't all that at the top. Just like Stripes and Yellow... All caterpillars aspire to climb up but at the top it's just an empty  space when you've stepped on everyone else just to climb up. I rather not go up than feel empty at the top. 
When success or good fortune is starting to come your way, there's also a balance of more bad and opportunists people that comes to try to steal your thunder. I've met so many of those especially in the competitive fashion industry. It's so disheartening.  There are so many out there whom I really wonder what kind of dreams they have... It's so sad that once they smell someone who's getting a little attention, they jump right at it and tries to "dream" your "dream" and make it and claim it as theirs. Are they so greedy that they can't take others having a little attention?

I don't wish to own the world, I don't wish to win and monopolize all the fashion contests out there, I just want to find my own niche, my own place who will embrace and appreciate what I do and how I personally envision each detail of my creations. I just wish I could wish these vultures to get off my dreams... and go figure your own. How I wish. But... The world is free. Unfortunately, we had to live with vicious vultures and crabs. Toughen up, Tracy.

It's not just work. It's PERSONAL. In every design I make, it's a time away from my son, whom I feel I owe so much. There are days that instead of getting groceries, I had to set off just for new designs and shipments that I have to set aside for back-up. It's not all about the glamour fashion, most of the time, it's a bunch of sacrifice, chasing deadlines and doing everything just to make things happen... including sleepless and meal-less days and nights, I can't even segue to a shower even!

In the recent months, there has been different kinds of negative incident that I had to face clients and inquirers can be so vicious at times... If you don't believe in the designer's skills or ideas, may be it's better you do it by yourself then. Every relationship, may it be personal or professional, it takes a huge slump of trust in both parties... Personally, I'm so thankful of all the clients over the years who trusted me... There are just somedays, when strangers and simply mean inquiries comes up... How I wish we can just get along! It's not easy to design happy, bubbly designs when there are bad feeling inside.

Some old friends and "friends" suddenly feels skeptical at times. There are those who sounds so entitled that they almost wanna impose a free design and very cheap labor. Please, don't cheapen the value of our works, how else could we all uplift our creations and crafts and bread and butter when even "friends" cheapen your works? It's just a sad heartache I feel everytime an unfamiliar former classmate somewhere suddenly sounds so close only to ask for some discount. 

I kinda feel so low and un-entitled when all my hardwork gets belittled as such. I have been through a lot. I didn't enjoy a walk in the park pursuing this dream, for one, my family was so against that I chose this line of work... For the longest time, I cry during my college days when I can't ask for project budget for school since they're against this course and had to settle to some mediocre project because that's all I can afford and can rummage through my classmates leftovers materials. I was one of those off-beats in class when all the pretty perfect grade conscious girls gets all the 1.0's in class. I never got an uno in college... not even in any design classes. My grades always mark, "too literal", "not wearable" and all those disheartening remarks... I never relied on some connection, because I don't have those. Everything that I have now are all from my hardwork.

There are so many heartaches because I love this so much... it hurts. But nonetheless, I wouldn't have it any other way. I have the option to just retire and just be a wifey and a mom, but I chose to pursue both... I want my son to see how dreams are made of. I always try to bring him along to whatever it is I do because I want him to see the upside and low side of hard work. Early on I learned that money can easily be earned and lost but what matters is your integrity and hard work... It's own badge of honor no one else can steal away from you.

Ideas and tactics may be stolen by vicious vultures, but if you are inventive, hard working and creative, those ideas won't run out... as long as you keep on going. Always move forward... that's one thing I can do. 

I rarely pray for blessings or to win this and that or fame or loads of fortune, but what I always pray for is the strength (and sanity hehe) ... I hope I can keep the passion and perseverance. As a visionary, as a disciple of art and fashion, it's my vow and obligation to create and share my vision to the world offer something beautiful and intelligent... that's how I seriously take my chosen profession... I hope the universe will constantly conspire to help me fulfill this dream. 

Gomen nasai for this, I'll probably un-publish this after a few days or so, but thanks for giving me a space to breathe-out everything. As I said, it's the ups and downs. I just needed to clear out my air.



  1. Congrats on getting a new laptop, Tracy!

    I think that for every profession, people don't always see the hard work that goes behind doing all of it. I try to sing semi-professionally in a choir, and it's tough doing it for free while I'm still studying and working >< But it's something I love doing too!

    Don't stop living your dreams, for yourself and for those who support and love you! -hugs-

    With love,

    1. Thanks A! It's been a while now! But ironically, I have no time to blog now that I have a new laptop. Haha! The cycle of my life. LOL!

      Thanks for empathizing with my feeling, sometimes, it really helps when I hear friends' words of encouragement and even sharing our struggles makes it feel lighter... don't you think?

      My son Atreyu sings in a (church) choir, too! That's just the first thing I've thought of when I read your (little) story here!

      I'll be okay, some roadblocks are meant to happen sometimes... But (hopefully) things fall into right place in the end. ♡

  2. I think every designer/crafter has days like this I know I do so many days go by where I just wish I could have a day off and sometimes think I should give it up and not work on my Etsy shop, or edit photos, or re-write descriptions or design more jewellery, I miss having a 9-5 job where when I leave work I am done to chill out and do what I want to do, but whenever I think like this I just tell myself it is worth it in the long run to get the chance to do something you love. Wow that was a long comment I don't know if this will help but I hope it does :)

    1. Hi Jackie! Thanks for sharing! I really do appreciate hearing your feelings as well! Makes me feel "I'm not carrying the whole world on my shoulders" Haha!

      You said it right, this job is even 24/7! Sometimes I can't even shut-off my brains to sleep! Well, there are just somedays, but, in the end, we are lucky... Some have riches but doesn't have any clue what to do with their wealth, some have "connections" but that's something temporary and can only get you so far... but at least we have dreams and talent that can still grow. ^_^

  3. Awwwwww lil muffin!! :( It makes me sad to hear this side of you, you always seem so happy and bubbly! (But I know it can't always rainbows and kittens all of the time lol).

    I think I know what your talking about, with people wanting things 'discounted' because they think they deserve things for free....
    And that would be very disheartening and degrading!! Don't they believe that your work is better than that, don't they see your trying to make a living for yourself too, and don't they get that your doing them a favor!!! Grrrr the world makes me angry sometimes! It always seems that the ones that work hard get nothing, and the ones that hardly work are given everything......but don't be sad :( the universe has a magical way of making things work out. In the end you'll be the one on top, and the most satisfying thing will be that you know you earned it, you did the hard yards and can be proud of yourself for it!

    Sorry this is turning into yet another essay by me hahahha. But you know theres a lot of people who love you and love your wonderful creativity that shines bright in your work!!! I know this post was a few weeks ago so I hope your feeling a lil more positive now sweetie, because I dont like you being down :( I want my adorable bubble of cuteness baaaaack...waaaaah!!! lol.

    Cuddles for lil Tracy!!!!! oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

    1. Haha! Thanks Sweetie Em! Thanks for sharing and empathizing with me, it was a bit of a low feeling during these days and when I'm down, it's just hard to swallow a happy smile... But I agree with everything you've said, the world has a lot of people who supports me, or at least, I'm one of the lucky ones who gets genuine support from Atreyu and Kareshi (and wonderful friends) I'm super blessed... and that alone I shouldn't be complaining anymore! LOL!

      There are just days... that I forget about how lucky I am, but for posterity's sake, I kept this post so whenever I feel low, I can read it and may be feel a little better~

  4. Hi Tracy!

    I never got to properly thank you, but here goes: Thank you for spending time with me. That four-hour chat with you was something I had much to learn from. Thank you too for baring the contents of your heart to me that time, as well as in the above post. your story refreshes my own heart; you are living proof that a person can reap meaningful rewards in life through hard work, perseverance, and giving it your all.

    Merry christmas and an advanced Happy New Year to you, Atreyu, and Taka! :D

  5. I think I have also been the one making you race for something. I am sorry.


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