Saturday, August 16, 2014

Tracy's Dear Diary: The Sudden Twist of the Thing called LIFE.


There aren't words fit to justify my silence over the months. Even until now, I haven't found enough courage, energy and emotional stability to write and open my heart again. My web browser home page is my blog and I still feel so distant from who I was few last entries until I lay-lowed.

I keep looking back how I was looking forward to updating happy memories, starting new designs, catching up with things the lights up my soul because I was so dead-exhausted from juggling Momma-duties, designer-duties and Tiara-CEO-duties and all the other hats I wear everyday. One role I never expected to shoulder is filling the role of my mother all-too-sudden, when she recently passed away.

La Funeraria Paz, Quezon City, April 2014 
 May be "recent" is no longer too recent... but it just felt (and it still feels) that my life stopped on the night of March 25th. One minute I was reuniting with my Fashion Designer colleagues and in a Fashion Event... Then the next I was in a hazy ER seeing my mom being revived. Then I was in La Funeraria Paz then everything just became a haze of out-pour of people, out-pour of things to do, I was a headless chicken spinning around. What was happening? 

La Funeraria Paz, Quezon City, March 26, 2014

I never thought I'll see my family reunite in such a morose circumstances. My mom died. There aren't enough words to express the hardship and the deep sadness it brought me. We weren't even close, nor I miss her in my daily life but losing a mother is so hard, moreso, filling her role.

Christ the King, Quezon City, April 8, 2014

Just like that, my mother is gone... and not a day goes by that I didn't think of you. 


Not even several months has passed after her passing, everyone went back abroad, everyone went on with their lives while I was left to do everything else. Going to government agencies, picking up (lining up for hours and days and until now I haven't completed everything yet) insurances, working on estate taxes... This is the worst thing death would leave behind to those who are left behind. I literally didn't know when I can return to work again accordingly. I didn't know when will I ever get back to my old life back... May be I won't. May be I died too.

Before April ended, Taka came to visit to pay his last respects to my mom. I couldn't find myself enjoying going out with him around. Nothing really feels uplifting over those times. It was going to be our third anniversary, but nothing really felt as celebration. I wonder if I will ever still feel the same again.

Christ the King, Quezon City, April 2014

Taka came back to Tokyo, I continued on all the never-ending errands of my mother's death, credit cards were harassing us just to add to our daily burden and stress, in the prick of the summer heat... It is the most exhausting, depressing and excruciating time of my life.  I've developed paranoia and irrational fear of death, I think I can also easily feel if someone is sincere or just want to gossip over my life. This phase is such a painful cleanse of seeing the real friends, people who really care over those who just keeps taking and taking. Writing this now, I cannot even stop tears falling from my eyes. It is still very painful.


The pain and suffering didn't stop there. The month of May came, not even over two months has passed I found myself suddenly flying to Tokyo. Not for leisure... I found myself rushing and planning a trip in less than 24 hours upon learning that Taka was diagnosed with cancer and was scheduled for an emergency surgery. When my mom died, I managed to stay strong and be the decision maker and brave for everyone else... But this time, I found myself staring blankly and didn't know what to do. 

Tokyo Rinkai Hospital, Tokyo, May 2014

Just when I thought the worst has happened to me, I find myself daggered in pain with another hardship. Taka is my rock, it is hard to find the right words to describe it but Taka is the only person who made me feel it's okay that I can be weak sometimes and not to be always brave and tough... Then suddenly, the twist of fate is I found myself vulnerable and helpless in a foreign land... 

Tokyo Rinkai Hospital, Tokyo, May 2014

For weeks, I was taking a two-hour train commute to Taka's hospital in a fluctuating sunny to a sudden cold and rainy weather. I felt different feelings of vulnerability, I guess I felt so helpless... I couldn't order food from local restaurants who were non-English-speaking so Ii just end up not eating, I was in my favorite city in the universe and yet I couldn't find any happiness in the things that used to make me happy and alive.

Tokyo Rinkai Hospital, Tokyo, May 2014
I cry myself inside trains and walking going back to Shinjuku. In my suffering now, I am all alone. I carry my on weight and fears... my woes and worries are all mine. I couldn't find myself asking help because I don't want to be a party-pooper to anyone... 

Shinjuku, Tokyo, May 2014

I found myself mourning for months and I haven't recovered yet. There's really nothing to look forward to everyday, I still find myself with an irrational fear of death and all I can think about is I don't want to die without seeing Atreyu become my one and only legitimate son. I felt like I'm dead, I don't know when I will have a plan for my life while I slave myself for everyone. I hate waking up everyday, thinking this day is not mine to live anyway. How cruel of this universe to have taken away everything from me. It's so painful looking back at the beginning of this year, where I was planning for an engagement migrating and moving towards a quiet family life... and now I have nothing. I was left to do everything else left behind. Alone and not a day passes by I feel this spiraling down depression. I couldn't even find myself wearing anything happy.

Tokyo Rinkai Hospital, Tokyo, May 2014
It even traumatized me once, I ended up talking to someone I thought was a good person and was at least a friend.... and I ended up hearing the worst thing of "supposedly comfort"... "Everyone has their own problems." It is in my regret that I even tried to talk to someone. How mean it is to tell me things happening to me are just merely "my own dose of my own problems". One thing I want to say... I wish none of you would feel this hardship in life. 

I even found some fucking Jesus-Freaks in my FB, giving me the worst advise of self righteousness and just self indulgent preaching... How dare you all, it's easy for people to be all self righteous when they haven't felt the pain you are in... May be in prosperous and glorious moments you can preach but try preaching in your lowest point in life. Right now, I rather be alone than find these kinds of people who instead of helping you even condemns you in full ignorant judgement.   

After few weeks, I came back from Tokyo, life goes on. Taka went back to work but for me things aren't the same. I don't know how he feels and sadly during life and death situations, you'll get shook-up and realize what's important in your life. May be that's how he felt... unfortunately, we weren't in the same boat. His life went on thirsty for success and career and not for loved ones and family.  

Everyday is a struggle... I don't want to hear any of your unsolicited advises. There's only one thing I can tell you, TRY LIVING MY LIFE.

My one and only best friend and life companion is my son Atreyu, now. 

One Mega Group Warehouse, Pasig City, July 2014

Life goes on. Despite how robbed I felt of everything I built on my own, the world will keep on turning. After I return from Tokyo, I went back to doing the never ending duties left behind me, I also went back finishing some projects left unfinished, I went back doing my mother duties as Atreyu went back to school. 

I don't know how much longer I can endure all this hardship. Don't tell me it is not hard, if you think so, please be my guest, you can do it then.

I remember the lines of this Carpenter Song... "I can take all the madness the world has to give, but I won't last a day without you..." I dedicate this to you Atreyu. Without you, I have no more reason to fight.

There's no happy ending in this writing. Sorry I'm only human. I'm sure, the social vultures are having the time of their lives, in my pain, I know you will feed on it. But hey life goes on, right?

I hate this year so much, 2014 you are such a pain.


  1. Hi, Tracy. I'm so sorry to hear about this. No one deserves all this sadness lobbed into one year, least of all you.

    I'm glad you choose to count your blessings, and that Atreyu is the biggest, brightest one you have. I wish you all the best, and I'm really happy to see you shining through all this heaviness. Keep shining, Tracy. People love you and are proud of you. :)

    1. I never got a chance to thank you Jonette for empathizing or even virtually listening to my sadness. I appreciate you, you have my respect and good wishes. Thank you.

  2. Hey, I accidentally ended up on your blog googling something else and wanted to see if you were still keeping it up since that entry was pretty old and i saw this as the last entry... i just wanted to say i'm so sorry for you. :( no one deserves to go through such horrible times... but don't be so hard on yourself, you know? you say it's been some months ALREADY and you're still not over it... are you kidding me?! the two most important people in your life are gone! of course it's normal that you are not ok!! just take it easy and take care of yourself and take things one day at the time. and you got your son to help you through, and i gotta say, i think it's pretty awesome that you named him Atreyu ^_- hang in there.

    1. Thanks for your message. Although, only my mom suddenly passed away, Taka did not die (just to clarify hehe) he just had cancer but survived but made it a bit harder to recover with all the life challenges of this year.

      I'd probably be in a mental asylum if I lose them both hehe.

  3. I am so sorry for entire this time and after this time... After these events, everything became suck


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