Saturday, February 07, 2015

Tracy's Dear Diary: The Hello-Goodbye's of 2015

January 1, 2015 ~ We write our 絵馬 prayers for the 2015... Saying Hello's and Goodbye's entering 2015!

It feels ancient going back here. Hello, I'm back to attempt writing again. I must admit that this is not the first time I've tried but failed on writing here. The wounds cuts so deeply that I am not ready to speak yet... Or perhaps, I was not ready to speak in coherent form... I rant when it was too painful and I cry defeatedly until I fall asleep or get sick for the past couple of months. I don't write to be a downer, this is my only form of assertive release... Writing and reflecting helps me assess myself in a few years timeline or so... I want to remember my heart's desires and I want to look back at my life how far different I've changed or managed to stay the same. It's a humbling and fulfilling feeling for me.

I was talking to Taka about Valentine's Day Gifts when I got to look back at my past blogs and musings here today, looking at my old silly and playful wishlist motivated me to write here again and ACTUALLY find the courage to write. I thought to myself, I want to read in 3-5 years how I would find myself at this time.

I was scanning through ancient photos and blogs about Valentine's Day Wishlist, it lead me back to reading my old self and old blogs...

If I will report to myself five years from now what I've accomplished that I am proud of... and NO, this is not one of those Kawaii-Narcissistic-Consumeristic-NonSense that I just used to day-dream about (sorry no offence meant), this is a lifetime accomplishment as a human being... Dear FUTURE TRACY, Please feel free to give yourself a plaque of honour and a medal for this. LOL.

My mom died so suddenly and we were all caught off-guard. It was too tragic. Somehow, looking back, I wonder if she felt it was already coming soon too... A month or few weeks before her sudden demise was my vivid memory of my last conversation with her... I was on my way out going to the Boardwalk Office and she was on her way back home. Strangely, she wasn't her criticising self then, she always say something bad to me on a mundane daily basis that it was so strange that she was all smiles complimenting my shoes. I will never forget that shoes.

February 2014 ~ My last memory with my mother was a nice compliment she gave me with this shoes.

Being it was a pleasant conversation with my mom, our last conversation was something that I never forgot. She was telling me for some strange reason that she wanted to buy a Garden Columbarium space at the Santa Maria Della Strada Church nearby our home. She was telling me how the whole family can be secured there and all. I found it strange but I never would have thought it was gonna me something I would be carrying the whole year.

April 2014 ~ Someday Mommy I'll transfer you here at the Garden Sanctuary. The last time I've talked to you when you were still alive you were telling me about how serene and peaceful this place is... You deserve your special space here.

It felt like a last dying wish remembering our last conversation... It haunted me for months and I found it so difficult and heavy that she told me this and she wasn't buried where she wanted... But after the heavy strains of Estate Taxes, everyone leaving, the grief, cleaning up the mess left behind... I was able to pull-off transferring Mommy with the help of few of her best friends. 

December 20, 2014 ~ You will always be missed, Mommy.

The Year 2014 has been the hardest year of my life... I can only wish that it would be my last hard year with so much pain, sacrifices and brutal realisations... It was my year of defeat. As I left 2014 behind, it is painstakingly hard to succumb leaving my mother behind in 2014. Mommy, you'll always be missed. 

***

It was a hard-earned blessing that I was able to have a long vacation by the end of December 2014. It was much awaited and  hard-earned indeed that I got to recuperate, I was able to step-back and look at things in a different perspective, I was able to recharge and make myself stronger... But most of all, I was able to have some time with the two most important people in my life Taka and Atreyu. It has been my long long wish to spend the Xmas Holidays with Taka.

January 1, 2015 ~ The moments I always look forward to every single day of my life, to be with you.

... And finally, we were able to spend Xmas together. Despite Taka's busy work demands, we were able to celebrate Xmas together. A truly dream come true for me that I've long wished for several years.

December 25, 2014 ~ Our first Christmas Eve Dinner together! Haha! Thank you @takaomi54 for joining us even if it's still a regular work day for you! We had German Dinner in Hibiya! So random haha! But it's very nice to be together!

Merry Christmas Everyone! 

***

It made me look forward entering this Year 2015 much braver and looking forward to self-enriching and soul searching. I want to recuperate and heal my soul... Surround myself with love, people who inspires me and people who I feel safe with and relearn to aim strong again and not high. I want to make life simple and fun.


1) I want to go back to writing and building my daily life plans... 


January 11, 2015~ I've been a loyal Takarazimasha diary/planner for 4 years now. Hehehe. From the updated Japanese Holidays to good paper quality sheets... I have been Japanized with my daily life planning! Haha!#tsumorichisato #betseyjohnson #takarizamasha
Continue building life plans and memories... Making my daily life memorable and not a type of day that I want to forget.

I want to make each day memorable again. I'm trying to revive my craft and enjoy little knicknacks... I think I need this especially with the level of stress I had to deal with in the past year, it was no joke!


Enjoying again simple things like this with crafty creative friends!

2) I want to see my friends more often...

January 9, 2015 ~ Ani and Mikas are some of my treasured friends way back UP Diliman Days!
The world would not stop from turning. Whether I am sad, happy, busy or a bum... at the end of the day, the day is ended. Harhar. I might as well enjoy moments with people that I treasure because we all die, we all run out of money one way or another... Life is finite. All I want to pursue is to fill my heart with good memories and support with people who knows me the best... and share the same beliefs, interest and values. 


January 18, 2015 ~ Finally we are reunited! I shared some of my life's best memories with this very talented girls! Project Runway Philippines Season 2 Girls! This time, we witnessed Meanne's engagement!! Love!

3) Write Again
Writing is healing... and I get to explore many more things when I write. I write for myself. As if modern day and age has no audience. I don't write for internet hits, I will write because it heals my soul and it clears my heart. I hope I can find more focus and reconnect with my blog again... Write Taka more handwritten letters and cards.

4) Explore New Worlds
Reinvention is always a great adventure! Hopefully Atreyu and I can discover new worlds this year!

New World! Exciting new adventures ahead!

5) Learn new skills and learn new untapped knowledge
From sewing to painting classes, mastering Nihongo to finishing some courses... This is one unique goal I want to do for this year! Bring it on! I'm ready!
February 5, 2015 ~ HOORAY for learning new skills! I'm looking forward to going back to school and learning new things and expanding my horizon!

6) Move forward to be the woman I want to be...
A very inspiring role model and super-woman, Diane von Furstenberg always said "The Woman I want to be..." that's one powerful and motivational line that I kept in my heart. Although sometime I get caught up in life, in the cut-throat world that I sometimes forget about who I want to be... I want to continue on moving forward to becoming the woman I want to be...

“I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I always knew the woman I wanted to be.”
P.S. I used Adobe Photoshop with this! Hehe!
7) Embrace Womanhood and the quirky world of #TitaTuesdays... Hehe.
Being a girl will always be an innate nature in me, but what happened last year, made me grow up and face the hard part of life... But I cannot unlearn what I learned, I grew up. All I can do is embrace growing up and how lucky I am I've entered to a new phase in life, learning about the Stock Market, drinking teas and sparking grape juice (my non-alcoholic "wine" hehe), collecting fine teacups and Chinawares.

It's a little less dramatic and less theatrical phase, but it sure is a very fresh phase of life.

October 9, 2014 ~ I was just planning on getting a tiered cake stand today, my idea was to serve some macarons on my birthday dinner but I didn't have a place to put them in! But couldn't resist the quirky cuteness of the whole set that I ought to have it! This made me so happy and giddy that I haven't felt for months! Oh what a lovely advanced birthday gift for myself!

8) Build my own "Legacy"
Seeing my mom's sudden passing made me realise that we can go anytime... I still have a terrible trauma and have this irrational fear of death. But I want to think in a different POV, it's time to build my own legacy, something I can leave behind that will continue on.

9) Read more books
I have 3 Murakami books pending actually... and some very essential books I need to read. But first 

I really should read this! 

10) Live Life!
Basically, I want to seize the day. Gain weight. Life a healthy life. Yes, I can do this.

I can go on and on about things I should aim for this year but these are already hard to do ah! Hehe. Let me start my Hello-Goodbyes for 2015. I want to be me again. Universe, help me on this one okay?

One day at a time...


4 comments:

  1. First of all I have to apologise for randomness on Christmas dinner. You might feel messy there but I was feeling warmth of you and Atreyu and thanks for spending together.
    With your memory of your mom last moment, I always feel tear for your kindness. You had so many fights with her but take the most care of her. You're so great.

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    1. It's so nostalgic reading your comments here. Wish things were same as 4 years ago... Thanks for your comments and reading my blog always.

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  2. I know you did not like that christmas in Tokyo, I am sorry. and yes, wish things were same as 4 years ago...

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    Replies
    1. this was a very long and meaningful post i made here, i wish you could have reflected on it more

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