Monday, September 07, 2015

Chasing Pavements

Chasing Pavements
Adele 

Writer(s): Adele Laurie Blue Adkins, Francis White, Francis Eg White
Copyright: Kobalt Music Services Ltd. Kms, Melted Stone Publishing Ltd.



I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further,

This ain't lust
I know this is love

But if I tell the world
I'll never say enough
'cause it was not said to you

And that's exactly what I need to do
If I end up with you

Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?


I build myself up
And fly around in circles

Waitin' as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally, could this be it


Or should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?

Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?


I remember having this song on repeat since August 2014, imagine that for one whole year my relationship was in shambles. I remembered I have this on loop and since Facebook reminds you of the things you posted over the years, I just saw it again this week. It was so fresh. Even Atreyu tells me he knows I am in deep sadness when I listen to this song, he told it brings him sad mood and sad memory too. I'm sorry Atreyu, I'm trying my best to be alive for you, because if you're not alive I don't think I can last a day furthermore. 

We broke up September 1, 2014 I shattered several crystal glasses because I remember -- "I was just tricked into this relationship." as he said that I felt shattered as all the crystal glasses shattered in our kitchen. It was pretty violent. I will never forget about this day. It was his father's birthday. I will never forget September 1, 2014. It was very painful.

A month after he came here for a day. He said there will be an engagement. There wasn't actually any romantic getting back together that happened. He just bluntly said, "It is less destructive if we are together than we are broken up." like I'm some piece of machine that needs some screw to function. There wasn't any love, it was merely functional.

But please know that since you fucked me up after your cancer, I have been doubting you already. Imagine, you could not even respectfully acknowledge me when I took care of you? All you can think of is you MBA? How is it? Is it all that all mighty and shiny awesome? 

Actually this song is like what goes in my mind for all idle times... like a broken repetitive pattern "Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasin' pavements Even if it leads nowhere? Or would it be a waste Even if I knew my place? Should I leave it there? Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasin' pavements Even if it leads nowhere?" I have been so hard in contemplation for so long to continue with this PATH TO NOWHERE... Yes, this relationship is not going anywhere... and just like this painful song goes... "Even if I knew my place"... I already know my place in you, I am just a doormat... I will always be secondary to your friends--- YOUR USELESS FRIENDS. I am bottom from this useless career that you don't even know what you're doing. I already know you will never love me as much as I love you, I already know you will never take care of me when I get sick. Why am I holding on this unfair relationship? Because I am a stupid girl who feels "Or would it be a waste "? I mean it's been a whole lifetime as it feels. I cannot remember anything without you... I was too used to the sad routine of my life. I never liked routine but I just downgraded myself adapting to your boring ways. Now at the end of this relationship, I find myself hating how boring I have become, how helpless loser I have become while I helped you "get your dreams".

The sad music video ends in a sad death of both. Well as you logically rationalize it, all break-up does. Like I'm some cheap statistics, I must abide. 

This is my loop song because it's what my scattered brain, crushed heart and hopeless body can just accept. To listen to sad hopeless depressing songs like this. 33 days since August 5, 2015. I wonder how much longer could I endure life? A dead life. 

It's the sad part that I never really felt true love and EQUAL love that's the saddest of all. Next is the loneliness. Next is the humiliation. This is the pavement I was chasing with relationship with you. A sad cheap second grade love you placed me in. What did I ever do to deserve this?


1 comment:

  1. I cannot read this all because of heaviest feeling and am not right to explain or excuse anymore. I should be destroyed on this. Hope I have something hit on me soon.

    ReplyDelete

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