Sunday, September 06, 2015

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

It's been told to me many times by friends about this film... I think it's in this "Break-up Movie" Category that I kept a tab on. I didn't watch sad movies or those heartfelt films for a while (for four years?) Since I don't want to feel sad while I'm in a Long Distance Relationship... I think I had an altered reality that got me by in that four years. 

Truth be told, I acquired this weird inability after I entered that four year relationship... I couldn't find myself reading books... at least those melancholic books (Murakami Novels) I've always loved. I couldn't watch melancholic and heavy drama about love because I'll feel empty. Partly, I feel numb and arrogant even... like "Thank God I don't have to find love and fail like this all over again..." but truth be told, I feel so confused... I mean does all relationship have some heavy, deep-rooted feelings towards each other? How come I cannot feel it from him? I'm still confused. I'm confused, in deep pain, actually I'm in complete blank. I haven't worked nor barely got off from my bed since August 5th 2015... One month in complete bed rest.

Some says I'm fine, I'm fucking strong. Wow. I don't need to be strong if being strong means I have to be battered in all means and ways. Please I just want to be happy. I do not desire ambitious dream of ruling the world, being an internet sensation nor being above everyone else.... Please. I just want to be happy. Please take away everything, by all means... Just please let me be happy.

Some says, I'm normal... Some says I'm in a psychosomatic state. Like what I'm feeling is not valid and real. I'm such a joke right? Yeah please go ahead, enjoy the show. Who knows it's the last full show.

Going back to the movie... Now is the time that it felt right to watch this film... to re-read Norwegian Wood... To find some reflective stuff to reflect on. Well, it felt right since I can't find myself function. I miss myself... I miss being happy. I miss finding productivity and happiness with small things... I miss writing in my planner with all those colorful pens I've hoarded. I miss buying something silly so I'll forget about those heartaches I feel... But this time my brains are scattered like a ruptured brain aneurism and my heart just got crushed by a meat grinder. How to recover? Oh I was talking about the movie, sorry I forgot.

Today is the one month. August 5th 2015 passed by and now it's been one month. Where am I? I'm in my pajamas I've worn a whole week. Fake friends have gone M.I.A., actually, I think some secretly feel glad I'm in deep pain because they can't accept that I go to be so happy in a while. I have been having chest pains every night, I remember my mom, she always rants about "her chest feeling full" and I never took it seriously... Now I know how that feels. What only feels right is watching sad films or at least women-empowerment film or any film that would make you cry.

I'm into the Manic Pixie Dream Girls films, because they're all my spirit sisters. Hello!! Hello Clementine, I think I am like you. I miss my Manic Pixie Dream Girl spirit... Did it die as I consumed myself pleasing Taka for four years? I'm sad I cannot bring myself back to who I was four years ago, I can't believe in true love, I can't remember a genuine true love from him at all. All were lies and consuming the service I didn't know I was serving... As an English talking buddy. How low and how cheap. I can't even find something I can feel special about like these films...

The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind they had special place... in Montauk... I mean do all great loves have this special place? My Sassy Girl had a place, Norwegian Wood had a place... or is it just like a "dramatic" part of a movie theatrics? I couldn't find a specific place where I felt "It's my happiest moment of my life, I could die now."-kind of place with you. I just feel fooled as if all my truths weren't real. 

Do all great loves have a special place? I don't remember a special place for myself. How terribly sad. 
I wish this film is doable. I wish I can enter a facility that could erase four years of my life. I kept crying watching this film thinking it seemed like you and me... Clementine and Joel, how they're so different from each other but they were happy. I wish You were moved by my presence like how Joel was to Clementine. 

I broke down in tears watching this scene...

"I can't remember anything without you..." - Joel Barish (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)
I broke down as it triggered my sadness, the exact feeling I'm not even allowed to feel because of the confusion how things broke down. I wish. I wish I can just erase everything as it is so painful as time passes by it's so painful. How I got into this mess, how did I die with it? How can I pass through this?Please tell me Clementine, how did you get pass this? How can I?

I wish I could just have this erased. It's so hard to be used, abused and consumed and now I have no more use I feel dead. 

But indeed, this is one of the greatest films I've seen for a while, I wish I could still find in myself the passion, the belief and the courage to passionately love. I don't want to end up like those jaded selfish people who just plays the game. I rather die than use other people like I was.

This is my whole manic life is all about.

Please flicker a little spark of hope Clementine Kruczynski... Do manic pixie dream girls only exist in fiction? Is there no place for me in this real world? 

I loved this film and thank god I found the right heart to watch it now. Not that I want this kind of heart to stay so long. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

An excerpt from Alexander Pope's "Eloisa to Abelard" where "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was quoted from
I'm so tainted and broken by this, how can I move on from being myself again? I feel dead.

On the side note, I remembered this sad song "Your Ex-Lover is Dead" by Stars. The saddest love song of all time. I never thought I will ever feel this somber ever again.

"Your Ex-Lover Is Dead"
Writer: Christopher Seligman, Evan Cranley, Patrick Mcgee, Amy Millan, Torquil Campbell
Copyright: Montreal Stars Music Inc.

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave

I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

I never would have thought I will be wrong. I never thought. But I guess all ex-lovers never knew too. I just never thought we will ever be.

... And I was mistaken I thought I'm gonna marry you, too.
"My name is Clementine Kruczynski. I'm here to erase Joel Barish. He is boring. Is that enough reason to erase someone? I have been thinking lately how I was before and how I am now, and it's like he changed me. I feel like I'm always pissy now. I don't like myself when I'm with him. I don't like myself anymore. I can't stand to eve look at him. That pathetic, wimpy, apologetic smile. That sort of wounded puppy shit he does, you know? 
- Clementine Kruczynski (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)

Rest in Peace Manic Pixie Tracy


  1. I did not see you as an English buddy or whatever! Seriously. Service? No. I did not ask you to serve me nor see you as a server. I saw you as a girlfriend. However, if you say "I did these, so pay for it", I would marry you because you did it for marriage (I mean real marriage with love, of course)

    1. That's all you read from this? Please read it again.

  2. Well I have tricked you right? Like a cheating. I've never intended that. I know you wanted something romantic like movie and I know I didn't do well about that. I have to apologize. Well this relationship should just end with happy marriage. It is my fault to feel uncertainty with life with you rights? It is just only my fault. I have to be settled myself with you.

    1. thank you for not reading it, you jumped over some lame bratty argument you have on reserve all the time


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