Sunday, August 14, 2016

Tracy's First Hanoi Adventures ( Winter 2016)


March 26 - 30, 2016
Tracy in Hoàn Kiếm
Hanoi,Vietnam


Tracy in Hanoi 2016 Series (Winter Part 1)March 28, 2016 ~ I wanted to take a selfie by this very "Chung King Express"-feels eatery before I cross the street... Nothing I'm so bad at selfie sticks hahahahaha!
Hey!!! Enough of those weird cryptic drama of my life. Pardonne Moi! Hello, I'm back!! It's time to start anew and tell the world of my new adventures! Enough of that break-up drama and brooding over my life. But hey, bite me! I needed to mourn for that entirely but here I am now with a new beginning! Yehey!

Monday, July 04, 2016

Indifferent Apologies

You have apologized to me
Several million times
Although I wonder why
It doesn't feel right

I never felt you meant it well
I never felt anything from you at all

But here I am continuing to fall
In a deep hole you left me from
Why must it be me?

Who should I take all defeats?
Why must you all run away in a fleet?
Why must I be left behind?
Why must I endure this lonesome plight?



Ask me not but answer me

Tuck my hair behind my ear
Tell me smart things I want to hear
Don't shout and boss me around
Don't cage I can't be bound
I'm sorry I am afraid
To say no and refuse your trade
I falter and get so weak
I'm lonesome in my lowest peak
I grasp air in a sinking ship
Hold my hand let's take a trip
Don't come near me you vicious beast
My weakness is not your feast
I'm not gonna harm you that I'm sure
I just want your comfort a fleeting cure


This I wrote for y'all
I'm too afraid to make my calls
Please don't ask me what I can't say
But please answer me if I may?

~July 3, 2016, Ask me not but answer me

I am literally addressing several people in this. Because I'm too scared to face you all. Waouh, Tracy = scared? That's new!





Thursday, June 09, 2016

What a Diff'rence A Day Made ~ Dinah Washington


What a Diff'rence A Day Made
Dinah Washington


What a diff'rence a day made

Twenty-four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
Where there used to be rain
My yesterday was blue, dear
Today I'm part of you, dear
My lonely nights are through, dear
Since you said you were mine
Lord what a diff'rence a day makes
There's a rainbow before me
Skies above can't be stormy
Since that moment of bliss, that thrilling kiss
It's heaven when you, find romance on your menu
What a diff'rence a day made
And the difference is you

You made my "future wedding songs" that I've burned few months ago... But this song is so lovely that I can revive that list once again.

Wednesday, June 08, 2016

Tracy in Hanoi

So this happened over the second quarter of 2016...
March 28, 2016 ~ I wanted to take a selfie by this very "Chung King Express"-feels eatery before I cross the street... Nothing I'm so bad at selfie sticks hahahahaha!
Waouh, it's been a while. I can't believe it's already June half of 2016 has passed. Can't stay too long here, I just want to say hello to my dearest blog. I have not forgotten you...I had just been busy over the past few months writing in my journals manual style. Please don't be jealous, we will have our time. 

So this happened over the transition of Winter/Spring (March 2016)... Yes. I went to Hanoi, Vietnam for reasons that I can't explain in one sentence. Harhar.

Then... I went to Hanoi again over Spring (May 2016)!!

May 23, 2016 ~ I'm standing in this spot like a wifi squatter haha. I'm waiting for my UBER motor to take me to fabric market. #ootd #outfitsoftracydizon

This is my favorite selfie for this trip!! Ganda Ko Lang mamalengke Lang naman! LOL!!

What a good time to be alive and discovering the world. More updates soon!



Saturday, April 16, 2016

Grey Prey

There's black
There's white
But you cannot
Always choose sides

You may just settle
With what's there
An area which seems
Unfair

There's Gray
Or tainted white
You may also call it
"Not-so-right"

You can call it
Faded black
Jaded area
With loopholes
And cracks

~April 15, 2009 3.45 hours~



Un-Masochista Intima

Un-Masochista Intima

As I got bitterer I learned
To fight back
No more underdog dilemmas
I learned to attack

No more martyr momma
No more crying mantras
No more masochistic drama
Un-masochista Intima

Underneath my brutal
Hazy past
I learned how to handle
To make things last
To quit while I'm ahead
I'll be gone before
You make your bed

Easily a prey came after another
Their feelings don't even bother
Enjoying uncommitted moments together
I learned the art of un-serious-matters
Then came the month of November
How it started I cannot remember

A bit haze and clouded judgment
I'm a prey I didn't intend
What happened came so fast
I was left in this confusing vast
With black-outs and shaded memory
What happened was far less than fantasy
But all was a heap of burdened misery

Hazy.

Hazy.

Hazy.

It's suddenly became your word against me
I cannot bring myself to deny me
To purge myself and save thee
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
All I know now is to, first, love me.
From the masochistic old me,
I became opposite of me.


- Friday, December 24, 2010


P.S.

I'm so amazed I saw this draft in my FB Notes Drafts, thanks to this new FB format again... But I'm amazed that I wrote this poem roughly three years ago. Amazeballs. Haha!



Thursday, April 14, 2016

Open my soul and see what's inside.

Open my soul and see what's inside.
See my battle scars and my mending broken heart.
Open my soul and see what's inside.
Feel my pain. Feel my pain. Feel my pain.

Open my soul and see what's inside.
Vacated by the turmoil and distress.
Open my heart and see what's inside.
An empty numbed heart.

Open my soul and see what's inside.
Please take time to stay for a while?
Open my soul and see what's inside.
Perhaps let's fix and mend my pride?


Cold Turkey





Just feeling a little low... 
My Pixie dusts dying glow
Impeding my feelings is suffocating my breath.
Displaced passion is greatness unmet.
Restraining myself darkly dims my shine.
Wish I can shake it off and I'd be just fine. 
I crave for you like a bad addiction. 
Why must we stop our undeniable connection?
You make me write the sweetest words
You make me paint the best memories I've known.
You bring me the most overwhelming feelings bursting with no regrets
I'd jump seas for you in a bet 
Our is a connection of unexpected perfect bliss 
Why can't we just burn and take the risk!
You make smile the best smiles I've placed
How can perfection as ours can be replaced?
Greedy over intense blissful emotions
You know we both want more than just a fleeting sensation. 
I feel slowly deflating as I feel you pulling away.
Why can't we just keep us and stay? 
Everything ends as you said
Can't we just have more time extend?
And these words I've already said...
But I'm in this cold turkey until I let it end...

- March 21, 2016 15:36, The time you just dropped me


Pixie's Swan Song

Manic pixie dream girls cries with cute pixie dusts tears. ✨
✨Keep the spark burning,


Some glows are fleeting,
Like a shooting star in the sky.
I want my glow longer but
I can't fly to high.
Straddling a leap to put 
out a smile.
Exhausted inside untamed 
in hostile.

- February 29, 2016 The day we expired

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Evesdropping Over at Chungking Express

Chungking Express • 重慶森林 • 1994 • Wong Kar-Wai
 
I first watched this film for my Mandarin 10 • 11 Integrated Class in college. I remember I got a 1.5 in Mandarin because it was so much fun because of the films, songs, TV shows we were watching for the class. I have to thank my Mandarin Class for introducing me to Wong Kar-Wai Films. I barely remember the details of this film, since it was 11 years ago since I first saw it. But surely this movie you may not remember everything because of the language barriers and cultural connotations, but Chungking Express is one unforgettable and memorable film for the soft spot feelings it will leave you. 

I started watching Wong Kar-Wai films again this summer as I've been having this drawing interest over (East/South East) Asian Arts... Well given the obvious that I am an Asian. I just kinda want to re-immerse myself with these Asian sensibilities... Other than Japanese Culture. 

I remember loving this film so much and I remember leaving my class with a light heart 11 years ago. But I never realized how poetic the screenplay of this film was as I started watching it with a more critical and analytical outtake. There's this bittersweet recurring lost of love theme and the hope that comes despite in this film with a very "Asian" perspective that I kinda related myself with. A little melodramatic and lost in  your own thoughts with that total avoidance of confrontation. We Asians do not like confrontations (Well, I think I kinda gotten myself to be a bit feisty over the years but I still do not like confrontations). 

The warm colored tints with hints of vignette frame of the film kept the film feeling intimate just like us viewers are part of the dirty busy streets of Hong Kong while the goings on along Chungking Express is happening. I love how it is captured in this film, that busy city Asian life. It's very mundane, I can go to Binondo or Quiapo and see this kind of scenery but I would have not thought about its' beauty. I like that in this scenery beauty still was captured among the people, the poetry, the emotions playing along the mundane objects, sounds, etc.

Oh I wish someday, I can also create something that triggers all senses possible. In this recent phase of self exploration, self reinvention and growing up, this idea of "triggering all senses" kinda struct me. Especially in this very fleeting fast phased life we are now experiencing; nothing lasts forever, it's so hard to keep up with everything else... It's very challenging to keep anything for a long time. We are like vapors that's gone in the air in a mist. (Snapchat App feeds only lasts 24-hours what is up with that?) I don't like this idea at all. I am, as someone has always told me, very "gourmand" to want to keep things all to myself forever. I don't know may be I am stuck in the old times where everything is just black and white and things can be simple as coming home. It kills me to be forgotten, it kills me to be replaced, it kills me to be expired. Nothing lasts forever! 

All I can aspire to be is to be memorable as much as possible. Be unique and someone (whether it's your clientele, audience, supporter, enthusiast, listener, voter, fan, admirer or even a lover) might start to crave you more and more. Trigger all the senses and not just what's on the surface. Why am having all these reflections here? Oh yeah, just like how Chungking Express triggered all the possible senses and most especially the heart. From the loud "California Dreaming" music, dark shady alleys, that overwhelming bittersweet pineapple cans, that smooth skin of that Flight Attendant Ex-Girlfriend where those mini planes trinkle down her back, and the Mysterious Blonde Girl's very tired and un-fragrant shoes... I want to be part of your film, I felt like I was. 

To be honest I have not finished my film viewing as I started writing this. As fleeting as stating the obvious, I wanted to write the initial thoughts and feeling as every scene comes up. I actually compiled some of the perfect visuals vis-a-vis the narrative and the metaphoric lines recurring through-out the film. But just to completely cherish this film, I compiled some of my favorite memorable lines and scenes from Chungking Express. 



•••

"We're all unlucky in love sometimes. When I am, I go jogging. The body loses water when you jog... So you have none left for tears."
- He Zhiwu, Cop 223 "Chungking Express"


"We split up on April Fool's Day. So I decided to let the joke run for a month. Every day I buy a can of pineapple with a sell-by date of May 1. May loves pineapple, and May 1 is my birthday. If May hasn't changed her mind by the time I've bought thirty cans, then our love will also expire."
- He Zhiwu, Cop 223 "Chungking Express"


"People like you are hung up on freshness. You realize what goes into a can of pineapple? The fruit must be grown, harvested, sliced... and you just throw it away! How do you think the can feels about that?"
- He Zhiwu, Cop 223 "Chungking Express"



"Somehow everything comes with an expiry date. Swordfish expires. Meat sauce expires. Even cling-film expires. Somehow I'm curious about that... Is there anything in the world which doesn't?"
- He Zhiwu, Cop 223 "Chungking Express"


"I finally found my 30th can. As May 1 begins, realization dawns. In May's eyes... I'm no different from a can of pineapple."
- He Zhiwu, Cop 223 "Chungking Express"



"There's a song 'Love Dies at Dawn'. That's how I feel now. How can I forget May? I promise myself... I'll fall in love...with the first woman who walks in here."
- He Zhiwu, Cop 223 "Chungking Express"



"Actually, really knowing someone doesn't mean anything. People change. A person may like pineapple today and something else tomorrow."

- Woman in Blonde Wig, "Chungking Express"



"On May 1 , 1994... A woman wishes me a happy birthday. Now I'll remember her all my life. If memories could be canned... Would they also have expiry dates? If so, I hope they last for centuries."
- He Zhiwu, Cop 223 "Chungking Express"

•••


The second leg of the film had more flow and dialogue in between. I especially like this second half because of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl Faye (Faye Wong)... The escapist dreamer. Sounds so me sometimes. 

I love how the two tales around Chungking Express are both about losing love and finding hope to find another. It showed that human connections and self reflections. Tony Leung's poetry over his inanimate apartment is so endearing.



"Did I leave the tap running... or is the apartment getting more tearful? I always thought it would cope okay. Didn't expect it to cry so much. When people cry... they can dry their eyes with tissues. But when an apartment cries... it takes a lot to mop it up."

- Cop 663 "Chungking Express"


"I don't know if it's the weather... but lately I've changed a lot. I've become more observant. I notice things I used to take for granted. Even the sardines taste different..."


"You mustn't let yourself go. You've gained weight so fast. She may have gone but life goes on. You must stop indulging yourself..."


"You're a real disappointment to me. You've changed so much. Haven't you? You can't just switch personality like this. Her walking out is no excuse. Pull yourself together..."


"It was such a relief when I saw it crying. It may look different... but it's still true to itself. It's still an emotionally charged towel..."


"I'm more optimistic these days. Haven't you noticed? Things are starting to look up. You used to look really dumb... but you've become quite cute. But you mustn't get yourself so dirty. You used to be cleaner. Look at these dirty stripes. Have you been fighting?"



"Oh, that's where you've been hiding. I've been looking for you. Time to stop running away. You don't smell too good, either. Out in the sun tomorrow, okay?"

- Cop 663 "Chungking Express"





Faye: 
What are you doing here?
Cop 663: I've come for my letter.
Faye: Letter? Ask them.
Cop 663: You were keeping it. He says you have it.
Faye: I have? Where did I put it? Ah! I was afraid it would get lost. I promise I haven't read it.
Faye: Why do you ask?
Cop 663: I want to date you.
Faye: A date?
Cop 663: The boss says you're off tomorrow.
Faye: So I have to go on a date? Think it over.
Cop 663: I'll meet you in California restaurant at 8:00. That song's not right for you. Try this one.


Faye: I'm doomed! Doomed!
Manager: Hey, No. 663 is smooth with girls.

"I cleaned up my place that afternoon. It was like cleaning the runway for a new flight."

- Cop 663 "Chungking Express"

Cop 663: One thing I must ask you. Would you let a person on board with a boarding pass like this? It's dated today, but it got blurred in the rain. I don't know where it's taking me. Do you?



Faye: No idea, but I'll give you another. Great. Where do you want to go? 



Cop 663: Wherever you want to take me.



•••

For sure you'll be seeing me write some more about such analysis and realizations over art reflections and design brainstorming. More Wong Kar-Wai's for sure. I truly want to adapt this filter visual over something I want to create. Hence, I am recollecting these awesome influences. The heart and the art... both I truly admire in this film.


Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Tracy's Dear Diary: Process of Recovery

Dear Diary, (and Readers--  if ever I still have readers)

I am in a process right now of recovery. This very "commercial" blog I've had for several years may seem like a weird emotional cryptic blab. Forgive me. I am in the process of purging and rediscovering everything. I still don't know any life routines to follow, I can still rock my career with so much passion but I could not see myself anywhere anymore for the next five to ten years. 

Please let me find myself but don't hate me for not being the Tracy that you used to know. Please hold my hand when I come crashing again, if you care enough to do so. Few things I've discovered so far:

1) You can find good people in bad situations.
2) Sometimes you'll never know how bad you're in a situation until you stepped out of it.
3) I am not a wise person, I'm not trying to. I just recently learned I'm in the "experienced" category. WTF
4) I am tired of over analysing and strategizing. I just don't want to think anymore. 
5) If I don't start dating, I will never stop crying from that pain from that break-up. This is not the ideal way to get over someone but between sulking in depression or serial dating... Yeah I think I'll date.
6) There are so much to learn. Defying yourself will test your life principles and beliefs. 
7) Painting gives me inner peace. But sure hell hard to clean after.

That's all for now.


Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Catharsis of a Romanticist


"Come Away With Me"
Norah Jones

SONGWRITERS NORAH JONES
PUBLISHED BY LYRICS © SONY/ATV MUISC PUBLISHING LLC

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

"Anger that Drove You Away"



I like to be Angry
I indulge myself in anger
~ To drive away dangers
~ To protect my kind mind
From Predator finds

Why? Why? Why?

Anger is my shield
in the deceitful battlefield

I dare you to conquer
my wrathful anger
That's when you earn
When courage you earn
To put down my guards
My strong mighty guards.

September 9, 2015



Monday, January 25, 2016

"Dear Future Husband" ~ Meghan Trainor

"Dear Future Husband"
Meghan Trainor

SONGWRITERS KEVIN KADISH, MEGHAN TRAINOR
PUBLISHED BY LYRICS © SONY/ATV MUISC PUBLISHING LLC


Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Tracy's Dear Diary: New Year. New Life. New York. New. New. New. 2016

December 22, 2015 21:36 FlatIron Building, Manhattan, New York
January 2016: The cliche is, the first entry is always the hardest to write. The influx of thoughts, the ups and downs, I don't know where to start. I have so much to tell. It's getting mentally sickening to be a thought hoarder. All I know is I have to start expressing this to some form of medium. 

It is one last beacon of hope to find refuge that by the end of the year, my Dad and my siblings brought me and Atreyu to New York over the holidays. Holidays was the toughest I was dreading to face. It was like waiting for the Yolanda of my Life to pass by and me braving the storm when I'm barely alive.

Anti-Depressant Saves. November 2015
I died for a couple of months, like a dying corpse... Oh but No. Nope not going there now. 

2006 PFDC Fashion Design
Catharsis of my love for NYC
New York, a long lost dream I painfully let go few years ago. Quitting, letting go is a hard process for me, but here it is again. After decades of desiring over you, New York... Just like that. I was back. First time in my adult life. I'm back in New York. Oh New York, you broke heart but I had to let you go and licked my wounds  and heal myself from that for a while. I wouldn't think that I will seek refuge in you in my dire time of rock bottom emotional and mental despair. But yes, the love is pure for you... Just look at the several things that came out from me loving you, NYC.

December 21, 2015 21:15, Long Island City, Queens, New York
It was a hard phase to take a leap or move and start accepting inevitable changes... As much as I never wanted to let go of some things I have long fought for, I have built over time. They were seeds I nurtured and toiled. I was now seeking refuge in a foreign place and all I can do is watch everything pass by so fast. 

Oh shit it's real. New York minute is real. 

Moving forward, the fast world of New York gave me a push to finally move forward. Now, I'm back to writing here. Trying to grasp my thoughts. Trying to find inspiration again, trying to find empathy and connection to something new, someone new. The world is free. I am somehow freed, though I never really wanted to be freed. I still do want to be owned.

There's that end game, to be owned and to own. 

But for now, I am free to seek a new world, a new year, a new start, a new year, and seek for new inspiration in New York! Thank you for the refuge you brought me. I was revived. I am  now living a new life.






Just Peaches.

December 28, 2015 20:52 Long Island City, New York
Just Peaches.
Catharsis T

Funny how a mundane photo could mean so; 
Much more in memory. 

It's just peaches.

But peaches, was your favorite.
You always brought me home some.
We had it for several breakfast mornings.

Trance back to those days.
Those misty mornings feeling home.

Reflex, made me take photos of peaches 
Just because they're yours.

But, it's just peaches. 

Just peaches, now. 🍑


... How's my first poem after ages? Be kind. Still fragile.