Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Tracy's Dear Diary: New Year. New Life. New York. New. New. New. 2016

December 22, 2015 21:36 FlatIron Building, Manhattan, New York
January 2016: The cliche is, the first entry is always the hardest to write. The influx of thoughts, the ups and downs, I don't know where to start. I have so much to tell. It's getting mentally sickening to be a thought hoarder. All I know is I have to start expressing this to some form of medium. 

It is one last beacon of hope to find refuge that by the end of the year, my Dad and my siblings brought me and Atreyu to New York over the holidays. Holidays was the toughest I was dreading to face. It was like waiting for the Yolanda of my Life to pass by and me braving the storm when I'm barely alive.

Anti-Depressant Saves. November 2015
I died for a couple of months, like a dying corpse... Oh but No. Nope not going there now. 

2006 PFDC Fashion Design
Catharsis of my love for NYC
New York, a long lost dream I painfully let go few years ago. Quitting, letting go is a hard process for me, but here it is again. After decades of desiring over you, New York... Just like that. I was back. First time in my adult life. I'm back in New York. Oh New York, you broke heart but I had to let you go and licked my wounds  and heal myself from that for a while. I wouldn't think that I will seek refuge in you in my dire time of rock bottom emotional and mental despair. But yes, the love is pure for you... Just look at the several things that came out from me loving you, NYC.

December 21, 2015 21:15, Long Island City, Queens, New York
It was a hard phase to take a leap or move and start accepting inevitable changes... As much as I never wanted to let go of some things I have long fought for, I have built over time. They were seeds I nurtured and toiled. I was now seeking refuge in a foreign place and all I can do is watch everything pass by so fast. 

Oh shit it's real. New York minute is real. 

Moving forward, the fast world of New York gave me a push to finally move forward. Now, I'm back to writing here. Trying to grasp my thoughts. Trying to find inspiration again, trying to find empathy and connection to something new, someone new. The world is free. I am somehow freed, though I never really wanted to be freed. I still do want to be owned.

There's that end game, to be owned and to own. 

But for now, I am free to seek a new world, a new year, a new start, a new year, and seek for new inspiration in New York! Thank you for the refuge you brought me. I was revived. I am  now living a new life.

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